It's Not You, it's Me! Well Actually... it's You.
I haven't been here for what feels like a while, but I know its been less than that. Life has been busy and dramatic as usual. Sometimes I'm convinced that I should write a novel, perhaps geared towards teenagers like one of those edgy life-sucks type of adolescent geared books. My life isn't THAT interesting though, but I bet I could throw some things in that there to create a best seller!
Anyway, my new boyfriend- his name is Marc. I'm not sure if I mentioned that yet- and I are making some decent ground I think. We seem to argue or fight a lot, but I actually am beginning to think its a good thing despite being a huge irritation. When Eric and I first met, it was pretty much love at first sight... The disgusting kind that makes everyone sick, and yet everyone wishes to experience. You know what I'm talking about. Three years later, you all saw what happened! The instant connection withered away to nothing and we ended up at each others throats (literally). From this I have gathered that all that glitters isn't gold. Eric and I never really cared for each other beyond superficiality, and after that wore off I think the two of us were essentially playing house until we couldn't keep up the charade any longer. I think that the relationship Marc and I are working on is definitely more realistic. Neither he or I are perfect, and we don't have some unrealistic vision that we are. This way we can learn to appreciate or tolerate each others flaws instead of wearing blinders as if they didn't exist. Does that make sense? Like... I feel as if the bond I'm creating with him has less elasticity than with Eric, and for that I am thankful. But then again, less elasticity may not be a good thing either. Everything has its ups and downs, and we'll just have to see how it goes as usual.
Sometimes still, which really has nothing to do with Marc, I have the desire to call Eric and scream at him just to question him as to why he did this to us. If he didn't want the commitment, why did he wait so long to let me know? And why not just be flat out honest about it instead of lying, cheating and just being an asshole in order to get out of the relationship? Why did he wait until I allowed myself to really love and trust him for him to decide that he didn't love me back? I believe that we have to embrace the bad things that happen to us in order to really appreciate the good in our lives, and I despite everything I appreciate Marc so much for showing me what I've been missing in a partner for so long. Sometimes Marc says things that just take me back and make me wonder what the hell happened.
For instance... last night we were in the car and Reign was trying to sleep. Marc didn't want Reign to sleep so he was yelling and screaming at him, turning the music up real loud. He said that since Reign doesn't allow us to sleep in, he isn't allowed to sleep before bedtime. It was all in fun, and it was really funny. Still, in the back of my mind, it took me back to when Eric told Reign that one day when he becomes our age and stays up all night drinking, that he was going to wake up early early early in the morning and start yelling in his ear like he did to us. That just made me think that Eric did plan on sticking around, but what happened from there I'll never know. And then I think that Marc will eventually end up the same way... No longer interested, I'm not good enough, so on and so forth.
Sometimes Marc yells at me and says that I have to get it through my head that he's not Eric. I wish he could understand that I know he isn't Eric, and I'm glad he isn't Eric, but I've never been enough for anyone. Everyone, including my family, has set such high expectations of me, and I've never ever been able to fill the shoes I've been given. That doesn't stop me from trying, but trying to be perfect all the time is really exhausting... And I wish Marc knew that because of Eric, and because of how critical Marc can be, and because I'm expected to be a straight A student, mother of the year plus a 22 year old all at the same time that right now I'm wearing some extremely thin skin. And I really wish that I could talk to Marc about these things without him telling me that I'm stupid or dramatic. Because that's what he always does.
I watched a movie the other day by myself... How Do You Know. It was about a woman who was dating a guy but it wasn't serious, and then she happened to be set up with another guy and by the end of the movie was sort of dating both of them. She essentially had to figure out who she was in order to figure out which guy was the right one for her. While that might sound relevant, the part of the movie I'm thinking about right now is during a proposal scene toward the end of the movie when a man proposing to a woman said,
"The reason that I never talked marriage to you is because I couldn't stand to see you, the princess of worry weighted down by me and my limited prospects because I get your worry, Annie. I know a lot of people think that's a bad thing about you. But I know that it's because you have a great big heart, and I love you for it! You know? And then... I started to worry, all right? About what would happen to you... and this little hulk. If you guys wound up with someone who thought that your worry was you know...
Annie: Neurotic?
Al: Right, yeah. Somebody who didn't get you. Who wanted you to feel bad about yourself. Wanted to make you be more normal or wanted you to change...or like yourself more. Who didn't love all of it, Annie. Who didn't wanna leave great enough alone. And I thought that I.... I could do that for you."
I think that is just wonderful.
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