Mind, Body and Bullshit

We hear so many cliches every day about what's good for us... so much advice on how not to be self destructive. I'm wondering how much of all of that is true, and after a long consideration I have determined that none of it makes any sense. We're supposed to nourish our bodies and minds... What's good for the heart is good for the soul... Then you have soul food, which is may be good for your soul, but is sure as hell definitely not good for your heart. And sometimes I think that what's good for our bodies is terrible for our minds, and so forth.

So... bottom line is I have a confession to make. I had a one-night stand with a guy that I was only hanging out with because I couldn't think of a kind reason to stop talking to him aside from the fact that I wasn't attracted to him. I know better, but he treated me just the way I needed to be treated. He was attentive and firm, but gentle, and took the time to make sure I was satisfied. He honestly made me feel like I was something special, like a Goddess or something. I didn't plan on kicking him to the curb or anything because its not right to judge someone based on their looks, but come to find out from the one friend I've made up here that he's a dog and is only after one thing, which he got from me. The funny thing is, I feel as if I should be angry with him or disgusted with myself but honestly, I'm not. For the first time in a long time, I felt confident and beautiful and wanted. I felt like I meant something to someone, and I think I forgot what that felt like.

I feel like I'm not allowed to feel. Everyone tells me I'm unimaginably strong and I don't even know it. They're right- I don't know that... but I do know that I'm getting there. I feel like I'm not allowed to be angry at my situation even though I know it isn't going to do me any good, or yell and kick my feet and cry out about how much I miss Eric because that doesn't do me any good, and I'm definitely not allowed to break down and be hysterically afraid that I'm not doing my job as a parent because that doesn't do anyone any good either. I feel like I have to be this tough exterior shell of a human being because everyone is counting on me to be someone that I don't know if I am. I'm supposed to be a mother, a daughter, a student, a shoulder, a punching bag, the whore, the girl next door, and God damned Martha Stewart. How do I fit so many different people into one little me?

So I guess I've gotten off track from the point I was making. I was trying to convey that the difference between nourishment and self-destruction is extremely undefined. I think that everything we do is equally nourishing and self destructive if you really sit back and take a look at it. I had a one-night stand, which is definitely self-destructive behavior. It reminded me how much I miss Eric, how lonely it is here being alone, but at the same time I got a little bit of my confidence back that the past three years has taken from me. I feel guilty, but I feel fresh. I feel sad, but I feel hopeful. And I can't help but wonder if everyone feels this way too or if I'm really just as crazy as everyone thinks I am.