Motivate Me Please!

Now that Eric's gone, there are so many things I need to do in order to find my own inner peace. A lot of things I can't really do without assistance... like get a job, because I need to figure out a daycare situation which is heavily dependent on social services and whether they can help me or not in addition to finding some kind of balance for his development sessions. Speaking of which, my son is starting to form words on is own, slowly but surely. He says the words hot, papa (short for grandpa), the word what and he can count! It's the cutest thing. He says, four five, six, seven, eight, ten! But the ten is occasional, and one through three don't seem to matter to him. It's sooo cute. He says Fourrr... FIIIIII... Siiiii.... Sevaaaa... then he gets excited and yells AAAYYY!! For eight. Whatever, speech pathologists. Can your not quite yet 2yr old count? That's what I thought. =D

Anyway... yeah, my biggest short term goal is to get a job but as I said, I need to wait and see how everything pans out before I start that venture. My next biggest goal is to lose 100lbs. Literally. I weigh 230lbs and I'd like to be 130. Hell, I'd even be happy at 180 which is what I was pre-baby. I talked to some nutritionists just because they came across my path during my ventures here in Ohio, and they say my problem is that I'm not eating enough. I do eat a lot of carbs- thats my weakness, but I don't eat enough food in general so they say my body has most likely gone into starvation mode and shut down my metabolism in order to hang on to every ounce of fat I've got for energy. If that's the case, trust me... my body is doing an amazingly swell job at hanging on to the fat. And I understand the importance of eating several small meals a day and getting properly balanced nutrition. I understand the concept of good carbs and bad carbs, proteins, fibers and other key elements... I just can't seem to get myself to eat when I should be. Like... Breakfast for example. I can't bring myself to get up and fry an egg. My solution to that was to drink a protein shake instead... I can't bring myself to shake it! Haha I'm just so damn lazy. I'd rather sit and enjoy my coffee. Today I had a full pot of coffee almost... so about 8 cups, one leftover rib and a bowl of mac n cheese.

I think tomorrow is the day I get reorganized. I owe it to myself. Eric never treated me the way I wanted to be treated... but I never treated myself the way I should either. Its not fair to ask someone to love you when you can't love yourself. That was pretty much our biggest problem too... I irritated him and pushed him away because I wasn't confident in myself. When I found out he was talking to other girls, it pretty much flushed any ounce of self worth I had down the drain. While I've been sitting here angry thinking about how wrong he is for doing that to me and how he should have tried to make me feel more worthwhile, at the same time I should have enough respect for myself to change what I don't like about me instead of looking elsewhere for approval. I should have worked hard, lost my baby weight instead of sitting here gaining more and reminded myself of what a hot mom I used to be... and in turn, reminded Eric. Following suit, the same goes with judgment... they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks but you. Well to be honest I look at myself in the mirror and I'm disgusted with what I see. I can't imagine that anyone else would think any different. And that's not me being critical or mental or having poor self image or confidence problems. That's me realistically saying that I haven't lost any weight in two years after having my son, and then I gained some more on top of that, and now I look like a walrus. Nobody would want me anymore and I know that because I can't stand looking at me. Tomorrow is the day this changes. Or... tomorrow is the day I'll set everything into motion considering my family is coming up for Christmas which will pretty much put a hold on any dieting/exercising I might do.

Anyway, that was just some rambling for the night. Haha, its crazy that every time I have something I want to say, or a thought that I need to get out real quick I look over by the couch habitually as if I'm going to tell Eric, but Eric isn't here. That's the worst part after the fact... I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.