New Life = Sleep Deprivation

So my grandmother who was visiting for the holidays left yesterday, thus its time to start my weight loss adventure... but since we've spoken last I realize that what I need much more than weight loss is an entirely new take on my life... not just to lose a few pounds.

Something I got for Christmas was a self-help book which I find ridiculous but my crazy mother lives by them. I think all of those people say the same things, which I could say to you, but you'd already know because it's cliche and dumb. I mean, if it was REALLY that easy to be happy, we'd all just be happy already! If men were really from mars and women were really from venus, and your self help manual really was that informative, we'd all have a much better grasp on our dating lives wouldn't we? And yes my mother DOES own that book. Well the book she got me was called, "I Don't Know What I Want, But I Want to Be Happy". I actually semi-appreciated it because that pretty much does sound like me or something I would say.

Since I have no TV in my room anymore it makes sleeping at night difficult... too quiet now. I tend to watch videos on my phone just for the noise so I fall asleep easier. One night I decided to actually read into the book a bit, and believe it or not the book DID say something I think I really needed to hear. It said that from birth, we look to comfort our needs and our mothers have always done that for us. Of course our needs were much less complicated then... a nice bed to sleep in, warmth, food, dry diapers. When we grow up, we have to learn to meet our own needs, but many of us are unable to really satiate ourselves and so instead we mask our discomfort with temporary fixes so for a while we forget how uncomfortable we really are that our needs have not been met. After our temporary mask wears off, we feel angry and blame everything and everyone else for our unhappiness when in reality, we never took care of ourselves to begin with.

This applies to me in so many ways... Who knew it would take a book for it to come so clear. I mean, its a concept that I knew and understood but I guess the way the book put it opened up my mind in a way that it wasn't before. I am unhappy and so I need to make myself happy. I shouldn't have blamed Eric for him not making me feel beautiful or wanted. Eric always said that I should just know that I'm beautiful and know that I'm wanted, and he was right. It's MY job to make MYSELF happy, and if I'm not then I have to fix that. It's not his fault that I'm here in OH, broke and alone. He may have had a lot to do with it because without him, I wouldn't be in this situation... but it's my fault that I'm still in this situation. And I blamed my birth control for my inability to lose weight because every time I start a birth control regimen I blow up like a balloon. Still, its my fault that I don't work harder to try and get the extra weight back off... not my hormones. They say that people who don't work feel more depressed than those who do even if they don't necessarily like their jobs because at the end of the day they don't feel the same sense of accomplishment.

Another thing the book said that really applied to me was that most people who don't achieve what they want don't really know what they want. The book asked us to pretend a genie appeared that gave us 3 minutes to make one wish that would change our lives forever. We couldn't think about it and afterwards we would forget that we ever met the genie to begin with. Our lives as we knew them would be changed forever, no going back. I found this very difficult. If I had one wish, I wouldn't wish for anything, because I don't know what I'd wish for... and yet I still feel unfulfilled. I don't have everything I want, and I don't think I have everything I need to be comfortable. Basically the book said that the people who are asked what they want that respond "whatever" get just that- whatever. They don't get what they want or what makes them happy necessarily... they just get whatever is thrown at them. I feel like this could really apply to me! I've always been too passive to actually declare what I want, even down to what I want for dinner. I've always let everyone else make decisions and put everyone else's happiness before my own. Now I have to think about what I need and want out of life and I have no idea. I feel like a little kid alone in a big, big world because I've never really asserted myself. I felt abandoned, but as a woman and mother I need to regain control of my life. I wasn't abandoned- I was given the opportunity to grow from this.

Anyway... bottom line is I've realized that I need much more than an exercise plan to make myself happy. I need self-discipline. I need to do the things that I know I'm supposed to do instead of sitting around thinking about doing them and yet never actually getting off my lazy ass to accomplish anything. In order to help myself out, I made a list. I'm trying to stick by it for the most part but I'm allowing myself some wiggle room. I broke down my list like a schedule and gave myself tasks to accomplish every hour, even as small as reminding myself to brush my teeth. I'm on track for the most part and I do feel better this morning. Also, I made myself an exercise calender with my diet and exercise goals on it to remind myself every time I go to the fridge to eat responsibly and exercise.

Its early, and I'm tired, but I feel like I'm on a better track this morning. I hope that this works out for me because I've about had it with disappointment and failure this year. I'm hoping that this is a good start to a new year.