Just a ThoughtI've been watching Dexter, and I never really was into it before but I never gave the series a chance. I started watching it from episode 1 first season the other day, and I'm not sure that I love it, but I definitely like it. You know, even though Dexter is a serial killer/sociopath, I sort of feel for him. He's living his life, trying to act normally and all the while he knows his life is a lie. He knows he isn't like everyone else. He knows he's different, but he puts on a smiley face and does what he has to in order to fulfill his needs and survive at the same time. I feel like I relate to him in a way.
I was on facebook deleting some "friends", meanwhile I was checking out some people that I used to be friends with during my high school years. I was always told when I was in highschool that afterwards everything changes, people grow older and get their own lives... this and that. All of this advice was true, of course at the time it didn't feel that way. Still, you know.. all of my old friends from high school are still friends. At some point, they outed me from the group and made me their personal joke. I can name a few reasons why they probably would, but nothing out of the ordinary because I never did anything wrong in my opinion... just regular highschool teenage drama. But ya know... I have to sit here and wonder why the petty, adolescent mistakes I made outcasted me but nobody else. Was it because I really was/am an awful person and I just didn't see it that way? I even went to apologize once to someone that I knew I wronged, but she didn't even respond. I once tried to reconnect with someone that I knew, but didn't necessarily have a bad relationship with, and they basically said that me contacting them was creepy so I just left it at that.
I love my son, don't get me wrong... but sometimes I sit here and wonder what it would be like to be normal... what my life would be like now if I never got pregnant. Would I be at a college or university somewhere making friends, going to parties, having tons of boyfriends just because I could? Because I didn't gain 100lbs and stretchmarks from hell? Because I wouldn't have known what it felt like to love anything unconditionally, thereby allowing me to enjoy the superficiality of what is sorority life? Because I wouldn't be worrying about where I'd sleep at night, what I'd eat tomorrow and how the hell I'd be able to keep a roof over my son's head? I look at their pictures... their smiling faces, beer kegs and fun outfits... piercings, brightly colored hair, everything that I once was but now cannot be because instead, I must be responsible. I must be an adult, and nobody takes anyone with pink hair and a face full of holes very seriously. I'm not knocking on any of you that do... I've been there, and so I'm just saying that based on my own experiences. I wouldn't change my life for the world. I would never ever willingly give up my son, and I couldn't imagine what my life would be without him. Sometimes I do wonder though what a normal life would have been like.
I guess some of you might think that I could have had a normal life. I could have aborted my pregnancy, had my son adopted... I had options, right? But you know what? When I saw that little peanut for the first time on an ultrasound, the first time I heard his heartbeat... I knew I couldn't leave him. I remember laying in the bathtub and watching him move inside me when he shuffled around and thinking that it looked like an alien was about to burst out of me like in that alien movie. I remember crying at the NICU after he was born when it finally set in that I just had a baby, but I couldn't have him yet. Some people may argue I had a choice, but no, I never really did.
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