Slowly, For Better or For Worst.

09/21/2011

It seriously never ends. I wish we could just let things be. I wish I could just let things be. Today was decent, except that when Boyfriend got home he was mopey and tired. I let him nap. I did the dishes. I took care of my son. I did the laundry. I cooked him dinner. I cleaned up the mess. I put my son in the tub. I put my son to bed. Boyfriend played playstation the entire time. Things like that are the things that led me to my breaking point to begin with. I'm tired of being treated like my son and I are something that was scraped off the bottom of his shoes. I've tried to initiate conversation all day long, you know... hows the weather, is dinner alright and so on. I'm tired of always being the one to try and be couple-like. When I bring anything up to him, he just argues and says he's trying. Trying to do what? Sit on his ass? Goal accomplished.

I wish I could just let things be, but when it comes to my son its hard to hold my tongue. My son was trying to play with him, and Boyfriend wouldn't so much as look at him. He wouldn't even look at him. I asked him why he was punishing a one year old just because our relationship wasn't working out. I asked him why it was so hard just to look at my son and be nice for a minute. Thats all he wants. Thats all I ever wanted. I asked Boyfriend why he went out of his way to romance these other women while I was gone, but he can't even be bothered to treat me like anything else but a maid, and on occasion, a whore. He's awfully sweet when he wants to get laid. His cell phone rang and so he ducked out of the conversation... or well me talking at him, to take the phone call. Lucky save I guess. I don't know why I waste my breath. I really don't. I guess I'm going to try to make it a point that when he's home, I try not to be.

I miss my bed. He sleeps in my bed, and he says its the only bed in the apartment, so he should be able to sleep in it too. It doesn't work that way, and it causes too much grief to ask him to sleep on the couch, so I do. I miss my bed. The other night, he accused me of stealing $20 from him, so I grabbed a pillow and laid down in the bathroom until I was sure he was sleeping. There is no place to run from this. I'm so tired of fighting with him. I'm so tired of being treated like dirt. I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be, but we were supposed to be working on us. Not that I was holding my breath for that either, but I guess everyone wants to feel special or important once in a while, and I'm really no different.

On another note, I was bad tonight. I ate a steak n cheese sub. Really thats my first big slip in a week now. I also feel bad because I didn't exercise today like I was supposed to. Maybe after Boyfriend goes to bed I'll turn on the program and do it. I try to follow the program when he isn't home because to be honest, I'm ashamed of what my body has become. Everyone says that I had a kid, and so I should embrace the new me. Its completely unacceptable.

Gah... today has just been an all wrong, nothing goes right kinda day.