Why does it all have to be so hard? Its not complicated... its pretty simple. Its just hard. And I know that it isn't anything that hasn't been dealt with by hundreds of women before, but I guess when it happens to you it does feel like you are the only one who has ever experienced it. And that goes without saying for any hardship in anyone's life. I think that when you go through anything that sucks, you know that other people have gone through the same thing and yet you feel like you're alone in it all. Ya feel me on that?
Time is ticking away... literally. Eric and I will never be okay again, and I know this. Every day just proves it. The last few days have been just plain awful, and I've never felt so alone. Eric and I got into it again, I got lost and it took me 5hrs to find my way home, I barely can afford my son's doctor bills and now they're telling me to take him to a specialist because he has sickle cell trait and evidently a new study shows that the trait does appear to have adverse health effects. I still haven't found a job and I only have 6 weeks to do that... as if the whole world isn't trying to find a job right now... and in addition to that, social services still won't respond to my requests for assistance. I really do need it though, especially if I'm supposed to take my son to a specialist.
I'm afraid that my only option really is to go home back to MD. What am I supposed to do? I feel like I have no other choice but to hang my head and walk the walk of shame back to my parents house. Doing that would be admitting defeat. Failure. I know though at the same time everyone has had to take a few steps back in their lives in order to continue moving forward.
OH! And also- even though social services refuse to even consider helping me, but instead letting my application pend until it expires and I have to make a new one, which again I know they aren't paying attention to... Social services had to come into my home per doctor's order because my son is almost two and isn't talking. Sure, he talks up a hell of a storm but in babble only. He doesn't say a word. I guess its my fault, and now I feel like a crappy mother because I don't talk to my son enough or read to him evidently. My son is so headstrong... when I try to read to him, he takes the book and insists on reading it himself. Its not that he isn't trying! It's not that I'm not trying! Its just ridiculous that social services gets to come in because I can't teach my son to say "mama" but they won't help me afford to get him the healthcare he needs, or daycare so I can be a good mom and get a job like everyone else.
I sit here and gripe and complain as if I'm the only struggling single mom out there. I'm not on the streets and my son isn't sick. I have everything I want and I eat well because I'm a big fat cow haha... but still. I just want to do the right thing. That's all I want. I get the whole karma is a bitch thing, but I really don't think I've done anything worth deserving this. I've had good intentions on everything anyway. It just really sucks and I don't cope well with change I guess.
On another note, I bought some hydroxycut or whatever its called. Someone told me they lost 15lbs on it and they just started taking it not too long before. I started taking it today, and surprisingly enough it actually makes me feel pretty great. I'm tired all the time but this gives me not enough energy to get jittery but just enough to actually be productive, which is nice. Also it suppresses my appetite which is also nice because I've been abnormally hungry lately. I think its the stress. I eat when I get stressed out. I don't know why. I've read the reviews and risks though so I plan on being very as careful as I can be. |
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