Neeenerrr Neeenerrrrr... We have taken control of your PC monitor. Don't be afraid.
Haha don't ask. Sometimes its easier if you just don't bother.
Honestly though, you know how in The Twilight Zone or Tales from the Darkside there is always a catch at the end... the person who think's he's going crazy usually ends up crazy, dead, disappeared or all of the above. I'm waiting for my own punchline. I'm waiting for God to pull back the curtain and say "oops! Gotcha!" and laugh menacingly because in my mind that's what he would do.
I should have mentioned this but a week ago Eric and I had sex. It was good, aggressive, fuck like you mean it sex. Not the I love you, lets make love kind of sex. Not the okay I'll lay here while you do what you have to because I don't really feel like doing this kind of sex. It was the GOOD kind. I regret it now. He was sleeping on the couch, and now he's back to sleeping in my bed and I feel so many different ways about the whole situation.
Eric movies in 4 weeks, and the closer it gets to the date the sadder I get. It's not the type of heartbroken sad where you want to crawl in your bed, eat a tub of ice cream and call every friend you can think of that would cry with you. Its the type of sad where you just want to sit alone, cry and be sad for a while, because you know that you aren't being emotional- this is a sad thing that's happening and you need to deal with it. Like... whether we've grown apart or not, he's not only been my boyfriend but also my best friend, and in four weeks he's walking out of my life as if none of this ever existed, as if he's being erased. I know it doesn't have to be that way, but it does have to be that way. In a perfect world, everyone moves on happily and becomes friends and keeps in touch via text messaging and facebook. When does that REALLY work out? You're right- it doesn't. But I still can't imagine what my life is going to be life without him. I know I talk about this stuff all the time, but I really don't have any friends to talk to and I just can't understand how you can love someone for 3 years and then suddenly stop loving them. How you can take a child into your life and then decide after they're almost 2 years old that you don't want them anymore. I just don't understand. I don't think I can ever understand.
In ways I know I'll be much happier because I don't deserve his attitude and his ungreatfulness. Like, I don't want to cook thanksgiving so I'm going to cater it from Boston Market. I know its not as special, but at least I'm trying to do something. He told this girl that he's close to (although evidently has no feelings for- and of that I call bullshit) that he'd be sitting around bored playing video games and eating ramen noodles. No, instead he could have said Alicia is having thanksgiving catered and we'll probably eat and watch a movie. Do you understand where I'm going with this? Do you see how different those two phrases sound? How different they feel? And I mentioned something to him because it really hurt my feelings. I don't have a job, but I saved up my money ot be able to buy this because its a holiday and its special. And all he said was that I have no reason to go through his phone and then he gave me the cold shoulder. He's right. I don't. I guess I know this is the type of thing he does, and he portrays me as some monster to everyone else but I guess I like to see it now and again so I feel less sad about him leaving. That's pretty disgusting, right? Like... negative reinforcement? By reading these things I punish myself and eventually I won't love him anymore. That is how it works right? Punishing bad behavior. Punishing myself.
Like the other day after we had sex, I read a text message about this girl that went to interview at his job. He told his boss that he had to hire this girl because this girl made him drool. That hurt my feelings not because I feel like he's cheating on me... we broke up, this is over, he's leaving, I get that. I really do. But I feel like no matter how hard I try, this was inevitable because he never drooled over me. I'm not that special. So eventually he would have found someone that he could drool over and then I would have been left in the dust anyway. And why it hurts my feelings is that he drug me up here as if we were really a family, as if he really loved us, and now he left us here to rot because he realized too late that there are bigger and better things than us in the world. What hurts my feelings is that I knew this would happen, but I disregarded my own instincts, and now I'm more alone than I've ever been because I followed a man who supposedly loved us.
And I found a job, but I can't take it, and I don't know how to tell this guy. I don't want to disappoint him. He was a very nice guy. So I'm not going to answer the phone.
And on a good note, I finally got a hold of social services, so hopefully someone will help me. I'm going to ask if they can refer me to a mental health therapist too. I do need some help I think. |
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