It's been 4 weeks since I've heard from Mark. It's not getting any easier. I still think about him all the time. I still cry.
I'm looking at my phone less and less. The only time I've looked at my phone today was this morning at 9 AM, and I don't even know why I did. What's the fucking point?
When Tom stopped talking to me, I went about a week without paying much attention to my phone. But it wasn't really the phone that connected us, it was Facebook. So I took myself off that, and it turned into 2 years. But our phones were what connected Mark and I, so the last thing I want to do is see it or look at it. And I've disappeared off Facebook again. It has nothing to do with Mark, I just don't give a fucking shit about anyone. I don't want to see everyone being happy, or everyone pretending they have a perfect life.
Just because I haven't written in a week doesn't mean I'm ok. I hardly cried at all Wednesday or Thursday... But Friday and Saturday? I was a fucking mess. Even today has sucked. Sometimes a memory sets me off. Sometimes a song. Anything can set me off it seems. Friday and Saturday Hanson did live stream concerts. Both nights I cried. I cried because they would sing a song that punched me in the heart. I cried because a month ago I was talking to Mark when they did their July shows.
Ironically I played almost every day this week. Maybe I went 2 or 3 times without. But after every time, I cried. I still think about Mark every single time. How do you stop after 15 years? You can't. I probably never will.
I've hardly had any dreams (that I remember). That doesn't mean I'm ok. I miss dreaming about Mark. As much as it saddened me to dream about him, at least I was, right?
I went to dinner last night with Heather and Marcie. I wanted to tell Mark. I wanted to tell him that we didn't do dinner in July, because I didn't initiate it. I didn't this time either. I wanted to tell him where I went, what I ordered. Not once did either of them ask me anything about my life. And in the last 4 weeks no one else has either. No one gives a shit about me.
I still want to reach out to Mark. I want to txt him. Call him. But I don't. I can't. As much as I want to hear from him, how do I get past this... again? Because this time it was so much different. But I know I would. I'd take him back, again. But how would I not be angry at him? How would I not give him a piece of my mind? I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again. I knew last time I would. I don't have that feeling this time. Because everything was different. And it kills me to think that, because I don't want that. I didn't think I needed him in my life. I went 5 years doing ok without him. But those 42 days ruined me.
I asked Mark if he wanted to jump in the deep end with me, to see how far to the bottom we could go.
He did jump in with me. But he left me at the bottom. I am drowning and I don't know if I'll ever come back up for air. |
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