Gone

It was harder this time. Katelynn is older and more independant. She had her tantrums every day. But now that the house is quiet I miss it all. Lucas was more aware of what was going on this time, and that made it harder, too.

I hated saying goodbye. I had to do it right before I left for work, so I was a wreck. Katelynn didn't really understand, but Lucas did and he was trying not to cry, even though he was. I just hope things work out this time. Chris is supposedly taking a job in Texas working with his brother and leaving next Saturday. Things need to get better for the kids.

I started my period Saturday night, so I feel like shit. Not because of cramps, but because of other things. All day Sunday I felt dizzy and had pains in my head. Luckily I was able to come home and take a nap, but I kept waking up. After supper I did laundry and sorted all the Barbie things to go back into storage. I left things the way they were, but I know the next time I get things out it'll remind me of Katelynn and I'll probably start crying, even if it's 5-10 years down the road.

I think I just feel stressed and tired. But I hate feeling this way. I just want to get better!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to apply for a job online that's out in San Francisco. I didn't have time to update my resume and write a cover letter on Friday or Saturday and was going to do it last night. When I went online to apply the position was already taken down. So is that supposed to be some sort of sign!?

I WANT to apply for jobs and move somewhere and do something with my life, but how can I feel comfortable doing that when I don't feel good. I'm so afraid of moving far away and being on my own and something happening to me. I pray every night for God to guide me through this and to help me get better...

And I miss Mark. We haven't talked much lately and now I feel like I really need him and he's busy with work and whatnot. It's not his fault and he doesn't have a clue what's going on, so I can't really blame him...

Now that the kids are gone I can relax more and get more sleep. Hopefully what I'm dealing with is just stress and not really slowing down the past 6 weeks. I also want to start walking again and eating better. I kind of threw both those things out the window.