I have no idea how to start this email. Do I start off by saying this... Do I start off by saying that... There is just so much to say that a text won't suffice. Saying it all in a phone call wouldn't be easy either. Last night I didn't ask all the questions I wanted to. I wanted you to start at the beginning, wherever you thought that was, and tell me everything. (When we first met, 10 years ago, 5 years ago, whatever you consider the beginning.) But that didn't happen. I went back through my sheets of paper, and I think we addressed maybe 5 things out of 100. But, they were important things.
You know I love to swim and I remember telling you that I just dive in. I don't dip my toe in and test the water. I don't slowly go in, inch by inch. I dive head first isn't the deepest spot. When I do this, it takes me the longest time to come up for air, to come back to reality, to all the noise in the world. And that's how I feel with you... every single time. I dive in head first into the deepest spot.
When I talk to you, I guess I'm in this other reality. All the other noise in the world goes away. And I never want to come back up for air.
When you first started talking to me again, I gave you a hard time. I told you that we can't go back to how it always was. I told you that we needed to just fucking talk and learn shit about each other. I also told myself to not go in the deep end. Just wade in for once. Test the damn water. Don't fucking dive.
And I did at first... And then I dove right the fuck in. I don't want to come up for air. Ever. I want to stay in the deep end with your forever.
I remember you telling me you were weak for me and I questioned that. I was lying to you and fooling myself, because I am 100% weak for you, too. I've said this more than once... I can never say no to you. You really are a fucking drug to me. For some reason we can't stay away from each other. The difference is, is that it's always you that disappears and comes back. Why is that? I guess you need to ask yourself, 'why do I keep disappearing', and 'why do I keep going back'?
When I sent that email back in December, I wasn't lying when I said I knew you'd come back. 5 years ago, when I found out you were married, I told myself, "He will be back in your life someday. This isn't over." And I remember one of the last things I said to you. "Good luck." Apparently, things didn't work out. And not to brag, but I was right, you came back.
Because we've been in this situation before, I knew something was off with you, that something shifted after that first week. You went from talking to me all day, every day and calling me randomly, to me forcing you to call me and begging you to txt me, to not leave me hanging. You made me into that needy and clingy person I so desperately didn't want to be.
But this is different from all those other times. I told you that you needed to be honest. I wouldn't take no for an answer. I wasn't going to let you get away with shit this time without answers. Every time I told you to call me, you did. I think you're afraid of losing me as much as I am of losing you. I don't think either of us wants to say goodbye or leave the other one alone. There is something that keeps us connected. Maybe we are each other's anchors. If you didn't feel something, you wouldn't keep talking to me, you wouldn't call me when I tell you to, you'd disappear like you've done before. But for some reason... It's different this time, isn't it? You are trying harder than you ever have before. You are putting in more effort than you ever have before. Why is that?
You told me that you are a bad guy. You know that you are hurting me and that you've hurt me in the past. I appreciate the apologies. I don't believe you are a bad person. I have met bad people and I believe that you genuinely don't mean to hurt me. You know you should stay away from me, but you can't, and I don't want you to. I believe we are two stubborn people grasping for the same thing and at some point, we both need to hold on and stop grasping.
I have to give you credit, because this time you really are being honest. I am not sure HOW honest you are being, because you keep saying "I'm trying to be honest" instead of "I'm being honest," but I have to have hope that you aren't holding anything back. I am not an open book by any means, but if I care about you/someone enough, I won't hold back. You really are trying this time. You ask me questions. You care about my day. But were you doing that to deflect, so you didn't have to tell me what was going on? Were you doing it to distract me? Were you doing it just so you didn't have to face reality? Or did you really want to get to know me this time?
That guy I went to meet/see, his name was Tom. I won't lie, I was a hot mess during my visit. I mean, you've experience it enough times now (unfortunately). With him, it wasn't easy. He told me to open up to him and tell him things and when I did, it was like I said TOO much or shared TOO much. If I didn't tell him anything, I was accused of shutting down. If I told him too much, I was accusing of thinking too much and getting too emotional. When I get frustrated, I get emotional. I always have and most likely always will. I was frustrated with Tom so much, that I was emotional. He chose to go an entire 12 hours and not talk to me. Over those 12 days, it got to the point where I didn't want to see him when he got home from work, I dreaded having to see his face. I loved it when he went to work at 7AM and around 6PM I dreaded knowing I'd have to see him in another hour. But when he came home, I slapped on a fake smile. We slept in the same bed for 12 nights and every single night I felt alone. Not once did he want to cuddle. Not once did he roll over in the middle of the night and put his arms around me. Not once after we had sex did he curl up next to me. I am not a touchy-feely person. There are only certain people I want hugs from. Tom was one of them, and I never got any affection from him. A guy that I thought I was going to spend my life with, didn't show me any affection. As expected, my last night with him, I cried. I cried because I knew it was over. My heart was telling me it wasn't, but my mind knew it was. I cried because I knew I was losing a person I never thought I'd lose. As I laid there and cried, and as I cried myself to sleep, not once did he touch me.
I am not married and I can't imagine the situation you are in. All I know, is that if you aren't happy, you need to do something about that, whether I am in the picture or not. I believe you loved your wife at one point. I'm sure you still do. I'm sure you always will. I imagine that when you got married there was chemistry: Physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually... (As sexual as you make yourself seem, I honestly don't know how you are still with someone and not having sex.) All I know, is that it takes two people to make a marriage work, and two people to make a marriage fall apart. Both of you made mistakes and both of you stopped trying. You said that I was the only "other girl." I didn't ask if that meant all together, or just how it works with us. I don't know if you've physically cheated on your wife with someone else, or just how we are. Because sadly, in today's society, that is cheating.
I have always said... Once a cheater, always a cheater. I always told myself, don't get involved with a cheater. Well, here we are. Here. We. Fucking. Are. How do I know that if/when you finally got a divorce, that you wouldn't stray away from me? What would I need to do different from your wife? I know people that cheat, and end up with someone else and they stay married the rest of their lives. I won't lie. If there really was chemistry between us, especially in the bed room, I don't know how you'd find time to stray. I wouldn't keep you on a leash, believe me when I say that. I just would want to be around you all the time. I'd want to go to the movies, out to dinner, on vacation, to Hanson concerts, watching tv, etc etc etc. I would want to be around you 24/7 because I would want to, not because I'd be afraid of losing you or to keep you from straying. I'd want to be around you because I genuinely like (and eventually love) you.
At some point your marriage stopped working. Again, I didn't get the entire story, but no one should be sleeping in their car for 2 years. No one should argue with their spouse every time they are in the same room together. No one should be stressed out that much in their life. Marriage isn't easy, but it also shouldn't be that damn hard.
My Mom was married before she met my Dad. She had my oldest sister and when she was 8 months pregnant with my other sister she was signing divorce papers. Her husband was cheating on her. She didn't stay with a guy just because she was pregnant and had his kids. She told us this all the time: don't stay with someone just because you have kids or because you got married. She eventually married my Dad and they've been together 35 years now. A couple years ago I remember my Mom telling me that when her and my Dad first started dating, he said he didn't believe in divorce. I was shocked that he said something like that, but looking back at all their obstacles, he wasn't lying. They worked through their shit. But it never got as bad as your situation.
I've always told myself that if I got married, I'd work through shit because I didn't want to get divorced, but until you're in a certain situation, how do you know? I just feel like I could never let it get to a certain point. Communication is everything, and at some point, you and your wife lost that. You personally don't have kids (yet), but I wonder if it's because you aren't with the right person. Even if your wife wasn't able to physically have kids (I don't know if she can or not), there are other ways. Years after a friend of mine got married she told me her husband never wanted kids, and she had to convince him to have just 1. To me, that's one of the most important things you discuss before getting married. You told me you don't know if you want kids or not. It was yes, then no, and now you don't know. I know about 5% about you, but I think with the right person you'd be a great Dad. I think there's a reason you aren't 100% 'no' on having kids, there's a reason you haven't completely given up that thought. And maybe it's because you haven't found the right person. Maybe it's me, maybe it's not.
It boggles me that your wife is staying with you, that she isn't taking the first step towards divorce. Why is she staying with someone she doesn't want to share a bed with? Why is she staying with someone she fights with all the time? Doesn't she want to be happy? What are her reasons?
Telling you that I regret not meeting you was not easy for me. Very few people know my regrets, and not a single soul knows that one. We were kids, but that doesn't mean something couldn't have happened. I know you don't want to meet me, and I hope it's because you're afraid of hurting me or things ending badly between us. I hope it's not because you don't really want to meet me. You could hurt me. Things might end badly. But maybe you wouldn't. Maybe it won't. Maybe, just maybe, we will realize that it was worth the wait.
I have a hard time believing in God, after all the shit I've dealt with, but I believe things happen for a reason. I loved living in Vegas, and when it didn't work out for me, I was severely depressed. So 3 years later, when I started looking at houses, and eventually building a house, I thought, "Is this why it didn't work out in Vegas? Is this the reason?" I moved into my new house the same time I was starting my life in Vegas 5 years earlier. I was packing my apartment to move into my new house and I cried because I still missed Vegas, because 5 years earlier I was packing to move there. I still think what if, what if, what if. I have a beautiful house, with a pool and a puppy and family in the area, and sometimes I still think, what if...
When things ended with Tom, I asked God for a sign. I still remember the last night we talked. I remember not being able to sleep and going out on the couch. I remember praying to God, practically begging. I couldn't figure out why he brought Tom back into my life, and let me meet him, only to take him away from me after 20 years. I told God to give me a sign. He did. I never heard from Tom again. God didn't just give me a sign, he gave me a fucking billboard.
So when you came back into my life.... When you said things weren't working out with your wife and you were looking into separating and divorcing, I guess I got my hopes up. I thought to myself, "Is this the reason why things didn't work out with Tom? Is this the reason another guy rejected me last year?" And at this point, I don't know the answer yet. I don't know if God shoved you back into my life one last time, or if you are the reason nothing else has worked out and what I've been waiting for. All I know, is that you are still talking to me today. Last night I prayed again to God, to give me a sign, and you are still in my life today, and that has to mean something.
I already regret not meeting you once, and I don't want there to be another one on top of that. I don't want another 'what if' in my life. I try not to regret meeting Tom, because after 20 years I found out he wasn't who I thought he was, and I finally lost my fucking virginity. I don't regret losing it to him, because at the time I would've considered him my best friend. Without him in my life as a teenager, I'm not sure if I'd still be alive.
I want to meet you because I don't want another regret in my life. I mean, that's not the only reason I want to meet you. It's just that I don't want to meet some other guy and think, "What could've happened with me and Mark?" Because no matter what, I will never be able to forget about you. Even when I was trying to make things work with Tom, I kept comparing him to you. He never wanted to call me, and I remember thinking, well Mark used to call me all the time, he used to cum for me on the phone. I thought, how can Tom want to marry me, but can't call me on the fucking phone? But even now, I compare you to Tom. Like see, Mark calls me when I tell him to. I never stopped thinking about you. You're still the only guy I think about when masturbating. You were the only guy I've thought about.
I know you are afraid of hurting me, but sadly I've been hurt before, and whatever happens, I know that I will eventually be ok. I want you to meet me so you see that you can be happy with someone. That things in life don't have to be so hard. I don't have drama, but I have bad luck, and if you can deal with bad luck once in a while, then I know that we would be ok. You said I'm easy to talk to and I guess I'm a good distraction when shit gets tough. But I don't want to be someone you turn to for a distraction, I want to be the reason you are distracted. I want you to think about me all the time. I want you to be excited to see me at the end of the day. I want you to want to come home, knowing you're coming home to me.
Even if we spent a week together, or just a few days, I fully believe that we would know if we were meant to be together. I think we would know as soon as we saw each other in the airport. I think we'd know as soon as we touched. I want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug of your entire life. I want to squeeze all the stress and unhappiness out of you. (With Tom, I knew it was doomed before I even got on the fucking airplane. I knew it was doomed as soon as we met in the airport. But I wanted to have hope. When my Dad dropped me off at the airport he said, "I hope you know what you're doing." That stuck with me the entire trip. I remember getting on the airplane in Buffalo and thinking, "What the fuck AM I doing?".)
If you ever chose to meet me, I'd tell you to come here. I don't want to visit you (bad vibes out there right now), and I don't want to meet in some city (even though I want to go back to Vegas). I want you to visit me here, to take a break from it all. I want you to see what could possibly be. I want you to relax and have fun and not be stressed for once in your life. I want you to slow down and breathe. I want to share a bed that 4395457 strangers haven't slept in. I want to make breakfast and dinner together. I want to watch tv together. I want to hug you whenever I want. And most of all.... I really do want to have sex with you. I want to make love. I want to fuck. I want to feel you inside me. I want you to fill me up. I want to be connected to you. I don't want to go the rest of my life not experiencing that. Don't tell me you haven't thought it.
I'm not telling you to book a flight for tomorrow or next week or next month. I'd like to tell you to book one in a few months. September for your birthday or October for mine. Honestly? Any time. You fucking choose. I want to see if you're really serious about leaving your wife. And as shitty as this sounds, I want to see what you'd do to keep me in your life. If it's money issues, I'd be more than happy to buy one of your tickets. I have Southwest points, it'd be free. You just pay for the cheapest flight. Or vice versa. I really don't care. With Tom, I let him pay for the whole thing, and maybe that was wrong of me, but I thought by letting him pay for the whole thing, it'd show how serious he was. I don't want to do that with you. I want to compromise and be equals. I want us to both be serious about each other.
I think you have a lot of love to give, like I do, and you just haven't found the right person, just like me (even though you're married). I love talking to you. I love hearing you laugh. I want to hear about your shitty days. I want to give you hugs. I want to wake up next to you and fall asleep next to you. I never want to go to bed angry at each other. I know it wouldn't always be rainbows and butterflies, but I also know that I could never imagine spending 2 years without you next to me every night. I could never imagine arguing with you every time we were in the same room. (Petty arguments once in a while? Sure. But for good reasons.) I wasn't kidding when I said I'd take a trip without you, but I'd miss you every day, every hour, every minute, every second. I'd count down the time until I got to see you again.
The fact that I'm saying all this while you're still contemplating divorce is... fucking crazy.
As much as you're afraid of hurting me, I think you are afraid that I will hurt you. I never want to hurt you. I don't want to be a reason you're sad. I don't want to be a reason that you sleep in a car. You said I shouldn't wait around and do what I need to do. But I don't know what I need to do. I've had years to do what I've needed to do and I haven't done it yet. I don't know how to date, how to flirt, how to put myself out there. Maybe it's because deep down I've been waiting for you.
You have to do what you think is right and what is best for you. Don't stay with your wife because it's the easy thing to do. Don't stay with your wife because you feel guilty. Don't stay with your wife because of money issues or health issues. Don't stay with your wife because you don't want to hurt her. You already did and she already hurt you. You need to take the time to have a serious conversation with your wife. Maybe you need to pick a date and stick to it. July 1. August 10. I don't know. It will be hard. But you also need to be the bigger person. If you start to argue, you need to take a step back, take a breath. You need to stand your ground.
In the end, things will work out. I think you are scared and afraid. You even admitted you hate change, yet you want change. You even said that you can't wait for things to be different. One of you has to take that first step, and that person should be and needs to be you. It won't be pretty, I know this. Everyone hits rock bottom at some point in their life. Is this your rock bottom? If so, you will rise again. If so, I will be there to help you along the way.
You kept me in your life for a reason. You kept my number for a reason. I have never blocked you for a reason. I have never told you 'no' for a reason. I am not going anywhere right now. If anyone knows what it's like to experience changes and regrets and 'what the fuck am I doing?' moments, it is me. If all you need right now is a friend, I will be your friend. I will be a blunt friend. I will tell you to leave your marriage, just like I've told friends before. I will tell you that you deserve to be happy, just like I've told friends before. Don't settle. Don't spend the rest of your life unhappy, you are too young for that. Maybe God put you back in my life for a reason. Maybe it's for me to tell you that it's ok to make a change. It's ok to not settle. Maybe you need my bluntness in your life.
I don't feel like things between us should be this hard, but I have had to fight for everything in my life, and I wonder if this is another one of those things I need to fight for. If I want something, I go after it. But, it's never easy. People go from step 1 to step 10 with no issues. This is my life: Step 1, 2, 3, 1, 1, 5, 9, 1, 2, 5, 9, 7, 10. I'm not lying when I say that everything is 1 step forward, 5 steps back.
I want to be your rock. Your sounding board. Your life jacket. I want to be a reason you're happy. I want to be a reason you laugh. I want to be a reason you leave work on time and you're excited to go home. I want to be a reason you keep fighting for what you really want, for what you really deserve. Because at the end of the day, we all deserve to be happy and we all deserve to love and be loved.
So, here's one last question for you. Are you ready to take my hand and dive into the deep end with me and see just how far we can swim to the bottom together?
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"Don't ask me why I dive... Ask yourself why you don't."
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"Growth in painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong." |
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