i know i should have been writing all along.
it would probably do well to catch up.
toby is gone. he's in juvenile detention for the time being and then he's being moved to a long term treatment center. i've never really had my parents attention but i'm sure this is the closest i will get. unfortunately that just means that no one can handle the situation so someone always has something to say that i don't necessarily want to hear.
dysfunction in the home life? check.
i broke up with andrew. honestly, i'm not handling it very well for being the one who did it. and i feel even worse because i know i'm hurting him too. but right now, i can't get my head around anything. i'm in a bad place. where i don't know how to be with him or how to feel but i also can't stand being alone. and it's not right to hold on just for fear that i may be alone. so i'm taking loneliness in stride. i also have found myself questioning what more is out there. i don't think i've ever had a worse feeling in the world either. except knowing that he is waiting for me. i love him but i have no idea what i'm doing and i'm hoping that time will help me understand.
fucked up personal relationships? check.
all of my friends have seemingly evaporated. i mean, sure, i didn't have many to begin with. but it can obviously get worse. because i broke up with andrew, i'm kinda being shut down by his family and anyone else in close relation with them. which means his parents, his sister, her boyfriend, his brother (whose girlfriend is proving to be the only one who isn't taking a side), etc. and then there are the out-of-state friends. and my closest friend who is soon to be out of state. past that? i haven't gone anywhere to make friends. so i don't have any.
isolation? check.
then there's my "issues". the many, non-enumerated quirks. the ones that only andrew knows. and the problem with that? you can't exactly talk to someone about all the things weighing on you when the only person who knows is giving you space because you are making them. i probably shouldn't have let things get so far.
mental turbulence? check.
i haven't produced a good song, piece of prose, art or anything since months ago. yeah, that's right, MONTHS. i pick up a pen and i can't draw. i hardly find time to sleep let alone to paint. i have really crappy writers block. and i know that all i need is to get it out on paper. i also haven't picked up my guitar. the one that i just bought.
loss of interest in things i once enjoyed? check.
right now, i'm in this half-caf state of rationalization.
tomorrow is another day.
and for my sake, i hope it is a better one too.
peace&love. |
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