[24] long, copied from paper journal

10/20/2009

I know I don't write in here much. I'm feeling very introverted right now. Kent is at work. For those of you that don't know, hell I don't even know if i've written it in here, but Caleb is living with Mike. To go to school up in Florence. I'm living in Haleyville, and hour south of there. With Kent. Mike was on my ass for months and months saying he wanted to get Caleb in school. I was scared. Finally we went to look at this church preschool. It is very good. so I said ok, Mike. Caleb can stay there and go to school since i'm moving up to Florence anyway. Well.... Selena left Kent so we get together. (this was my first ever love. You ladies know what that feels like. So long story short, we're together. I can't move to Florence, because Kent's job is even further south than where we live now. It's very complicated. But.. things are looking up. Kent is going to get a job in Florence, and we're going to get to see Caleb every day. Annnd.. have him live with us (or try!) for when he starts Kindergarten. I hope it all works out. The ONLY reason i'm not totally broken down by Caleb living with Mike is because well, Caleb loves that school. He needs me though. And i'm doing everything I can to make that happen. I'm not a bad mother, I put his needs before mine. And that's what a mom is supposed to do.

ANYWAY. Gonna type what i've written in my paper journal so far today. Maybe someone will read and actually appreciate me updating. I need more friends on here. I've lost touch with the old ones

I've been up for a while. Earlier than usual. I am in a very strange mood. I've been needing to get up and do some cleaning, but yet I sit here, on the couch. The internet sucks me in. It makes me so lazy. I should be done cleaning by now, and be outside enjoying the amazing weather. Taking some pictures. Blah. I feel so lazy. I want to see Caleb today, but when I go on Wed, it's like he sees me that day, then Fri for the weekend. Either way, he has to go 3 days a week without seeing me. It sucks. I see a shitty future, with him being away from me. Mike moving away or something. Lord that can not happen. I will settle with staying in Florence. I don't want Mike to take Caleb away from me. I have to be able to see him often. I'm glad Selena [[kent's ex-wife]] doesn't have a problem with me watching his and her kids. That way, we can move to/close to Florence. So will her and Jeff, and hopefully Mike will STAY THERE! That has to happen. Maybe I should go outside and write...

Ah yes. I'm on the back porch. In the sun. Blackie (cat) is meow-ing at me. Sorry kitty, i'd love to pet ya... but.. meh. I need a shower anyway. But I don't want to itch. She's a pretty little thing. Just hope she doesn't try to get in my lap. I'm rambling. I still feel really weird. I need Kent here to calm me. I read through Selena's old livejournal today. She bitched about Kent a lot. It's funny.. in the beginning, when she was in highschool, she really needed him. Then later, she says if she had money, transportation, etc. she'd leave him. To stay in a marriage just b/c she had no way out... that's no way to live, at all. But... I was sort of in that situation, also. So i'm not one to talk. Now i'm sitting on the round table, facing the back of the house. Selena, Kent and I got drunk right here. Weird. Things have happened that I never imagined would happen. I never expected Selena and Kent would divorce. I never dreamed i'd ever let Caleb live w/ Mike. What a stupid choice. WTF was I thinking? *sigh*

Blackie walked away. I guess she was tired of loving on me and getting nothing in return. Or.. maybe she went to find some bugs to eat. hah. My phone is far away. I don't need it. Well, until 11-ish. Then Kent calls. I told him I really wanted to be his fiancee. I think he wants to wait though. I know he just got out of a very long marriage. I know he thinks that all marriage is, is a piece of paper. Yes I was in a long relationship that was marriage-like. No I would never move this fast with anyone else... but this is kent. I have always wanted to be his wife. Really. I would always be good to him. I would NOT fill his heart with empty promises. I know I make him happy. I like to think that I give him more than Selena ever did... but i'm not sure. Not yet anyway. Okay I have to clean now. and there are bugs out here. And Kent just txt'd me. It's so beautiful out here though....