Yes. I hear you all yelling and asking, nearly constantly, "Where are these angsty, teenager-dramaz we crave so much?!" So here is my response. (R for language. A fuckton!)
I'm fucking tired. Of everything. Life, really. I'm happy when I think the least, to be honest. When I'm not thinking about how very much my parents hate the entire LGBT community. When I'm not thinking about my inability to come out to even online friends (Kraze, I luff you. Even though you'll never read this blog!). When I'm not thinking about the Church. When I don't think about my lack of a social life. When I don't think about how much I require the computer to function. When I don't think about how much I enjoy reading romance just because it tears me up inside. When I don't think about how often I cry. When I don't try to remember the last time I didn't cry myself to sleep. When I don't think about how mentally unstable I must be.
But I don't avoid this utter shit. I read it and think about it and take it alllllll in, just because I know how much it fucks me up inside. I don't understand why. I am just...incomprehensible, even to myself! I tried writing a story...turned out that the main character became a murderer. WHAT THE FUCK? I didn't even plan anything, I just wrote. That's what's in my mind.
I just don't even know any more. What am I going to do when school starts? Jesus fucking Christ.
Also, church tomorrow. I'm fucking looking forward to that shit. Goddam.
Also, I might come out to an online friend just because I need someone...real?...I dunno, to talk to. She's a wee bit bisexual, but like 90% straight. She's had a lesbian crush, at least. I kinda want to talk to her because she's pretty fucking awesome, and she's totally crushy-crushy on another online friend I have. Which is funny because he is a prick. Whatever.
Anyway, I am so...tired. Just fucking tired.
How's that for an update? |
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