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begin.
Are dreams supposed to show you want you want, what you should do but don't want to, and give you a glimpse of what something would be like? Because mine did last night.
In my dream, I came out.
I consider this a big deal because I very seldomly remember any part of any dream, and this is the only one I've remembered in living memory that made logical sense.
I wish I could write down all the details, but I have a muddled mind in the morning, so I just didn't log it anywhere. I just basically remember Mom and Dad being very surprised and my sister having a look of "I knew it all along" on her face. Then Mom said something about how it could be fixed and something else about ex-gay ministries. Lastly, I remember a pang of horror followed by an extreme feeling of determination to convince my mom that it wasn't a choice and that I'd never go to one of those hellish ex-gay minstry places. What tortures me is that I know there's a lot more to the dream.
For some reason I wouldn't consider it a nightmare. It was just very bittersweet. Which is cool, I guess.
Still, at this point, I don't see it as beneficial. Sure, I feel like shit all day long, and yeah I want a good relationship that doesn't reflect the "gays only want sex" stereotype I've seen all over recently. But, my sexuality isn't really anyone's business. No one I know is my type of gay guy. (They're all overly feminine like they have a megagay quota to fill!)
Oh. Yeah. I'm pissed about something. I recently heard that the legendary "gay agenda" confused some young straight males. OH REALLY? How about not knowing when calling a guy cute in your own fucking diary is creepy? I don't feel like I deserve some things because of the shit I hear. Sometimes I really hate who I am because of that shit. God. Those young straight boys do not have a fucking clue what confusion is! Being told your whole life that you'll marry a girl one day but finding yourself staring at the boys in gym is confusion. Jesus Christ. I have a shitload to type, but I hate my iPod's keyboard. Gahhhh.end. | | |
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