Want Not, Wise One

08/28/2010

Life has changed a shitload since my last update, but I really don't want to talk about boring stuff like school. Woo, I'm technically in college. Big whoop.

But the real issue is another goddamned crush. Well, really it's an old one that is coming back to the surface.

Denny.

UHG. He's like my perfect guy. So hot, for one, but he matches my humor and sarcasm. We converse well, both one-on-one and in a group environment. We both have liberal views on legal actions in privacy, and both like weed. He's utterly hilarious in that awesome, unintentional way. To the point, in fact, that I don't feel like I deserve him.

It's entirely a moot nonissue, however, since he's also the epitome of male heterosexuality. Of course, knowing me, that's one reason I like him. The day I meet a gay male that is "straight" whose personality is as great as Denny's, I'll shit a brick.

GAH. It sucks to so want someone for what I believe to be the "right reasons" and have nothing near any possibility. This isn't that "girl that got away" scenario that I hear my guy friends bitching about. They don't know how THIS feels. There's unlikelyhood, but utter IMPOSSIBILITY hurts more than straight men can know (unless they meet the perfect lesbian, or something).

And it hurts just to sit in this fucking room with him five feet away. We ARE friends. I cannot ask for more, of course, but whether he knows it or not (I can't imagine him being totally ignorant), I will always want to. And I feel like that makes me a terrible fucking friend. How can you be the friend someone wants when he can't be the boyfriend you, secretly or otherwise, want?

I haven't ever admitted to much more than "sure he's hot." But I have a STRAIGHT guy friend that thinks he's "a sexy motherfucker, especially with that five o'clock shadow." And goddamn, I agree. But dear Jesus I think about this shit at night. What's the easiest way to insure wonderful dreams? To think happy thoughts going to sleep. And what are mine? Just fucking guess. AUGH.

Every night I come up with some "possible" story about how he's always been secretly bi, or that he only likes specific people and I somehow fit that mold. And what's absolutely terrible about the whole thing is that I'm happy, despite my obvious self-deception. For a while before I sleep almost every night I wrap myself up in lies and fantasy, just because I have impossible real-world dreams and I want to experience some form of happiness. This sort of shit makes me hate myself.

Yet every time I say something like that, I hate myself more for "trying to garner pity from others." I should probably use diaries more often. Twitter used to be my outlet, but it's practically Facebook at this point. Oh, the days of eighth grade with NO ONE on Twitter.

Now I'm a self-hating junior overachiever. Friends both motivate me to move forward and make me depressed enough to truly hate Life in general. The concept of love itself just makes me depressed sometimes. Because, in reality, who do I love?

There's the unconditional love of my parents, but there isn't any "like" there. I love my sister, but I hate her general personality. I have a "brotherly" love for my best friends, but everyone still pisses me off somehow. Even my best friend ever, Slaw, can be a total bitch about school sometimes, sitting on her high horse about study habits.

But I've never encountered romantic love, or at least I've never allowed my like to escalate to love to protect myself. Perhaps many view this as a more healthy approach; high school students shouldn't "love romantically"--it's something for "later life." Fuck that. When I'm utterly depressed because I have no one, NO ONE, I can confer my deeper secrets to, I feel that I could perhaps justify a relationship.

It isn't a common friendship I want to forge. I want true trust. Love.

Is it completely ridiculous to want that, even at age 16?

EDIT: Guess who I woke up next to last night. Yep. We both slept on the floor. GOD DAMN.