today I gave in...once again, for the millionth time...to the love of my life. I know I have beliefs to follow and beliefs that I truly have faith in. But my love for him is done. I can't go back in time and undo the moments spent together...I can't just erase the love I feel for him and pretend its all going to be just fine if I don't have him with me. I can honestly say to myself, him, and others, that the past years I spent with him, especially our good moments, have been easily the happiest times of my life. My life doesn't go on from here...I mean, it does, but there is nothing else to search for because I've found everything I have ever wanted. He loves me back. It doesn't mean things will work between us anymore or that he'll ever give me another chance....it doesnt mean that I will ever be in a relationship with him again...all it means is that I'm the craziest girl for loving a guy so stubbornly, that I lose what's left of my life for him. Yet, that's the craziest part. Doing so is what makes me happy. Having confessed my love to him today and hearing it back...touching those hands....hearing him say that I will always be his and he'll always be mine...THAT, made everything else kind of stay far away from me. Up until now, his memory and his love has kept me happy. I didn't even cry when I had to leave, because I had never formed an expectation to stay with him. That's not what I went to see him for. I went to see him just to see him, and that was good enough for me a the time. So do I love a guy who I might never be committed to again? Yes. Do I love a guy who I shouldn't love? Yes. Could I turn back my feelings at this point? No. Did I do something extremely wrong today? Yes. I have answers to all these questions because they have been a fact of my life for a long time now. The only question I don't have an answer to yet is, where and how will I proceed from here? |
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