Sweet solitude;

11/21/2010

My legs and lower back ache. I stood all day, in shoes that are half a size too small. It was my first day of work outside of training, and I don't think my nervous system ever got a break. I was stressed for the six-hour day's entirety. I know I spelled that word wrong, but I'm too tired to change it.

I walked home, and it was actually peaceful when I could drown out the sound of cars swishing past me. The moon was bright, the air was perfect and breezy (in the 70's), and I've always loved being outside in the quiet of the nighttime... I had forgotten how tranquil the feeling was. If only the streets had been nearly empty. These roads nearby are never empty though. There are always people, always moving. That's how it goes in the big cities, or so I've been told.

I grew up in a city that I thought it was big. It wasn't really "big" like these metro cities are, I suppose; it was much more spread out. It was a city of middle-class neighborhoods and a faded downtown. It was the capital, but it wasn't the biggest city in the state. Wichita was, if I remember correctly... and I had never been there.

Whenever I take a breath and see the moon, I remember it; my teenage life consisted of mostly nights. I would stay up and hardly get any sleep. High school was awful for that reason. I was always asleep, even if my eyes weren't closed.. until the night. I would revel in it, because it was the only peace I had. And yet, the sadness lingered. But I cherished it, appreciated it even. The slow ache was the only company I had, and it had a sort of strange tranquility.

I wasn't used to peace. My mind never slept, and neither did my heart.

I guess sometimes it still works that way, but my life is so convoluted with things to do that I sometimes forget... and I have more stability now. But sadness is merely part of my nature... I remember being a child and I would feel that sadness... the kind of that made me appreciate the breaths I was taking, because I knew this wouldn't last... I would grow up, old, and the dirt would be my home.

So I live, and I try to love all that I can...
but love is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.