In my head I revisit times that are not too long past. I try to the best of my ability to reassemble the thoughts and events that lead me to where I am now, but my poor memory keeps me from doing just that. It wasnt long ago that I felt trapped. As par my usual doings, I had dug myself into a hole that I felt I would never get out of. I was in a relationship with a guy- A great guy, mind you, but someone I had fallen out of love with, and for the first time in my life, I was living with him and not with my parents. We had been together for 3+ years, had an apartmet together, there were promises of love and marriage... Until one day, out of the blue, I just stopped. I cant explain how or why it happened, it just did.
I found my mind wandering, and my eyes were quick to follow. I made some mistakes, but oddly they were not made on the pretences that the relationship would end. In my mind, it had already ended. But physically and emotionally, I saw no way out, and didnt think it could/would ever end. I was 21 years old. I didnt want to spend the rest of my life with someone I no longer had feelings for, and never experience the rush of falling for the first time again... So I didnt.
This is where it gets a little complicated, so hold on a moment while I digress. There were two other men in my life a this time. We will not use names, as they are not important to you, and are far too risky for me. We will call these men "Bob" and "Klide", for reasons I may or may not discuss later.
Bob was a great guy. Funny, smart, attractive. He was just a friend at first, but as we hing out more, he became one of my best friends. As more time passed, I began to fall in love with him, but never said anything or even gave it a second thought because Bob had one fatal problem- He was married. He was never much of a flirt, so I genuinely thought he was just a friend. Occasionally, I would get the suspicion that he may or may not have felt the same, but I didnt even dare think about it. After seeing how he interacted with his wife on more than one occasion, I questioned the validity of their marriage, but again, it was none of my business, so I left it alone. He never discussed it. I never brought it up. He was my best friend. I would do anything for him. And every time I saw him I would die just a little bit inside, because I knew that no matter how badly I wanted him, or how much I pined over him... He would come hang out with me for a few hours and do whatever, but then he'd go back home and be with her. I dont have the words to express to you what this feels like. Even what it feels like to think about it right now. But if I had to compare it to something, I would say it feels like the loss of a friend. With any luck, you personally have never had to experience such a loss, but if you have, you understand the feeling of abandonment, and hopelessness that comes with it.
I needed something to make the hurt go away. Bob and his wife were on a holiday trip out of the country, and the week or so leading up to it (as well as the couple of weeks following it) were spent with me feeling like he was distancing himself from me. He didnt talk to me as much, and when he did, I always initiated it. There was a time in the past that he would send me an instant message online the very second I logged in, and we would talk all night. He did this every night, right up until the trip. After that, he distanced himself from me quite a bit, and I thought for sure that not only was he not interested in me, but also that he didnt want to be friends anymore. That is seriously how bad it was. What could I do? I couldnt fight for him. He wasnt mine to fight for. So I did the only thing I could do- I let him go. I refused to talk to him (unless he spoke to me first), and I just let him go his own way.
This is where Klide comes in. Klide was a friend from work. Not even really a 'friend', as friends talk outside of work, hangout, etc. He was more of an acquaintance/coworker, but at work we were pretty close. Unfortunately, Klide was also married, but that didnt stop him from hitting on any living thing with boobs and a pulse. In fact, the pulse might have been optional. But he came after me, and between being trapped in a failing relationship, and in love with a man I could never have, I jupped at the opportunity. Oh... It gets better.
Klide and I would flirt all day at work, and then we'd come home, go online, and flirt all night there, too. Eventually, one thing lead to another, and we ended up hooking up after work one night. As if that isnt awkward enough, I had gotten a text message from Bob earlier that night asking if I wanted to go get coffee after work. Of course I wanted to, but I still hadnt talked to him in quite a while (anything more than just saying 'hello' to each other, I mean), and my brain had shifted in direction and focused more on Klide since Bob and I had just about stopped talking. I ignored the message and went with Klide.
Klide and I get out of work at the same time, and it's very late at night, so we drove someplace secluded and decided to have sex in my truck. There wasnt much space, and it was awkward in every sense of the word, so eventually we just stopped and gave up. We agreed to meet somewhere else another day, and went home. Well, Klide went home. I was feeling very strange (confused, happy, sad, you name it), and I didnt want to go home, so I picked up my phone and texted Bob back, asking if he was still interested in that coffee. To my surprise, he said yes, and we went to get coffee. Naturally, he had no idea what had been going on, but he really did help me calm down. I dont know how or why, but he did. He started asking me if I wanted to go get coffee almost every night after that.
As far as Klide goes, from that point on he started getting on my nerves. I was still very much interested at the time, but he seemed to think that everything would be on HIS schedule, when it was convenient for him. If I asked him if he wanted to get together that night, he wouldnt answer me. He would wait until the end of our shift (right as we were walking out the door) to say he couldnt because he had something to do. Instead, he would ask me online if I wanted to, and expect me to drive all the way to his house in the middle of the night to meet him in some shady location. And then he'd get annoyed when I said no every time. It got to the point where I was sick of it (we hadnt gotten together a single time since the first encounter), and I told him, "Look. My best friend is going to text me at the end of my shift asking if I want to go get coffee. If you dont give me an answer before that message comes in, I'm not going with you." and that was it.
He tried his hand a few times, waiting until Bob texted me, and then asking if I wanted to meet up after work right after. It was a difficult decision, because I really did want to, but I was tired of the bullshit and I had already told him how this was going to work. I said no, I had plans. That irritated him, and for a while we didnt even discuss it anymore. I just went with Bob to get coffee every night, we would talk, and that would be it. It took me a lot longer than it should have to realize that thigs between Bob and I had gone back to almost normal (if not gotten better). We talked and laughed, had sword fights with styrofoam tubes, walked around the city a bit in the middle of the night... Yes, I'm very blind. I should have seen it then, but I didnt.
Soon Klide had become a didntant memory. He would ask if I wanted to get together again, and I would make up some lame excuse as to why I couldnt. Most of the time I would say I couldnt because I had already made plans with Bob, and when Klide and my other friends at work would hear my phone go off right before our shift ended, they would joke and say "It's her other boyfriend calling!". I would blush and walk away, but comments like that did hurt a bit because I wanted nothing more than for that to be true.
Klide is kind of smart when he wants to be, and he figured it out pretty quick and left me alone. I'll give him credit for that. Ever since then, I have seen how he acts on a daily basis (things I never notcied before because I was infatuated with him), and am no longer impressed by him at all. We went through a point where we didnt get along at all, but now we're back to being at least cordial to one another. Which is good, because he may be a douchebag (he really is), but when everyone found out about us and his marriage was compromised, he handled the situation very well. He didnt try to turn it all around on me, and when he found out that my relationship had subsequently ended from it, he actually APOLOGIZED to me for it, saying that he never meant for it to happen. I never blamed him for it. I took all the blame myself, as it was my fault. But still, it is not like him to apologize for ANYTHING, so the fact that he did really caught me off guard. I appreciate him for that.
Backtracking a bit to when Klide and I weren't speaking, and I was still in my 3 year relationship... Bob and I were together every day. Either after work or on our days off. The days that we couldnt be together were the hardest, especially if I had to stay home and 'pretend' to be happy. I hated it. I am so bad at faking emotion it's pathetic. My ex fiance saw right through it, but didnt know what to make of the situation. He knew I hung out with Bob all the time (he had no idea about Klide, of course), but he didnt like to accuse people of things until he was sure, so he never said anything. He just let me have my space. After a couple of good breakdowns, I turned to alcohol to sove my problems. Contrarty to what everyone says, alcohol did just that.
I would drink all day when I had to stay home, and Bob and I had graduated from going to get coffee to going to the bar together, so I would drink there, too. This is why everyone that knows me thinks I'm an alcoholic, but they dont know the half of it. In any event, Bob and I would go to the bar together fairly frequently. Every once in a while, his friend "Sam" would join us. Now, Sam's a nice guy, but he's not really my type. No one really was when I was around Bob. He was the center of my universe. But Sam had a little crush on me, so when we would hang out, he would flirt with me a bit. Even moreso when we had been drinking.
So Sam came with us to the bar once, and then twice... Soon he was coming with us fairly frequently. The more we got to know each other, the more comfortable we became, and although I still wasnt interested, we would flirt quite a bit when we had been drinking. He would touch my legs, try to unhook my bra... Just stupid little stuff like that. But Bob saw it, and I guess in his mind (especially while drinking) he said "Sure, why not?", and he would join in. So bob would flirt with me more openly now, too. He would touch me, we would wrestle... Things we would NEVER do before alcohol and Sam joined into the mix. I picked up on it right away this time, and things took off from there.
We would flirt every night, and it just got more and more obvious, until one night when the 3 of us were EXTREMELY drunk, we wandered over to the gas station after the bar, on the way to go get coffee. Sam pulled up and parked behind us while Bob and I parked in front of the door, and I barely remember doing it, but he was staring at me so I leaned over and kissed him. Yes, that's right- Our first kiss was in a gas station parking lot. But that was it for us. We spent the rest of the night hanging all over each other and making out. From that point on we were a couple of sorts, all though we both had domestic issues at home that we needed to take care of before it became official.
Bob and I decided to rent a hotel room together, as we couldnt get any privacy anywhere else. Normally, we'd bring a blanket and go lay down by the lake together and sleep, or park somewhere and pretty much live out of our cars if it meant we could be together. But that always posed a huge risk of someone we know seeing us, and we couldnt let that happen. So we rented the hotel, and drove out of state for the night. A very nice night, might I add.
When we woke up and checked out, we still werent ready to go home, so we drove down to a bar that he frequented so he could talk to his friends. Luckily, his friends all said that they were okay with us (they knew his wife, obviously), and that it was our own business, no hard feelings, etc. Things were looking pretty good until my phone rang. It was my (now ex) fiance. And this is where the twist comes in...
I kept a document on my computer very similar to this journal that youre reading. In it, I put very specific details about what had happened with Klide, and a little about Bob (not much because I had stopped updating it when we started going to the bar). No names, of course, I actually used "Bob" and "Klide", which is why I chose them here. The document was called "Poison".
So I'm sitting there in a very loud bar, and I get a phone call from my fiance saying "Come home now, I found Poison." Being drunk and with a piss poor memory, I said "What kind of Poison?", and he responded with "The document on your computer. Come home NOW." and hung up on me. I was baffled at first because I knew he couldnt get into my computer. That's when I remembered that my computer had crashed a while back, and I didnt want to risk losing the document, so I backed it up on a flash drive and locked it up in the spare room. He went snooping through my stuff and found it.
I went home, and there was a lot of yelling and crying. I dont know who did the most of it, because the first thing I said when I came through the door was "I'll get my stuff and be gone in the morning." Oddly, and to my surprise, he didnt want that. He said he forgave me and he wanted to talk things over and for me to stay, but I couldnt. I didnt want to. I didnt want to stay before Klide, and now that I had Bob there was no way I could. I apologized a hundred times, and then I packed my shit and left. I moved back in with my mom for a bit, which made me stir-crazy because I missed having my apartment and all my space. Bob told his wife he wanted a divorce, and (assuming he wasnt lying to make me feel better) he said she wasnt upset about it at all. Didnt cry, didnt care... Nothing. She was set to move out before he even was.
Being put int he same position like we were with no real way out, we decided to move in together. Not because we were 'so in love' or anything like that, but because we both needed a place to go. He had to be out by the end of the month, as she was leaving and he couldnt afford the rent by himself, and I couldnt stay in my moms house anymore because I was losing my mind without my space. I got an apartment where my dad used to live, and he liked it, so we signed the paperwork.
We've had our ups and downs in this short amount of time, as well as dealings with our exes, but all in all we're doing pretty well. I never thought that this would happen, and I'm still pretty shocked that it did. Sometimes, I truly cant believe that any of this is real. I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up one morning, still in my old apartment, still feeling trapped and lonely... But that day never comes. Bob and I have pretty much stopped drinking (we'll have a drink now and then, and dont think anything of it, but we dont frequent any bars anymore), and honestly, I couldnt be happier.
I can imagine what you must be thinking of me right now, and that's fine. I didnt sugar-coat this story, or try to turn it around to make me seem like the good guy, because I am not the good guy. I told you this story just as it happened, and just like I saw it myself, to try and give you an insight as to who I am, and what I'm dealing with. I will say this in my defence, though- I have never done anything like this before, and never intend to again. Until it actually happened to me, I would have always said that this is wrong, and a horrible thing to do. Something I would NEVER do. I honestly dont know how it happened. But it did. I can count how many people I have been with physically on one hand, so I'm not really worried about anyone thinking I'm a slut, or anything like that. Not that I'd worry about it anyway, because as I get older I find the opinions of others to be less and less appealing. But still, if you choose to judge me based on one negative event that has happened in my life, so be it. I dont mind. If I did, I wouldnt have told you. If not, thank you for reading, and I hope you have a wonderful day. |
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