Gain

01/27/2011

I'm putting on weight. On purpose. I've not wanted to say anything about it, because I'm afraid if people know I'll feel too pressured and give up after the first bad day. Or worse, you've seen me all fail before and not be surprised if I fail again. I don't know. It's going ok for now. It's just that I know it means a lot to Luke that I eat properly and look after myself, and I'm really trying to be the best submissive I can be in every other aspect, but if I'm still starving myself at the same time it's kind of like... ignoring the item at the top of the list that I know means more to him than everything under it and I don't want to do that, I want to do EVERYTHING in my power that makes him feel happy and secure. What's more is that those few days where my skin turned to shit and everything kinda made me realise how bad my illness looks on me and I want to look good. I'm still afraid of looking podgy but I've told myself that once I've put on some proper weight I can start working out again (at the moment excessively exercising is one of my anorexic behaviours) to tone up and gain muscle but no more big cardio workouts jeeeeez! I actually want to put on weight now cos I want to get muscles so I can wrestle Luke mmmmmomnom. Ok gotta go.