"I want, something else, to get me through this, semi charmed kind of life"
I want something different. I'm bored of "this"
I want a fulltime job
I want a special lady.
But you... you all know that.
I feel like I am just going through the motions.
I am sure I have written this entry at least five times in the last few years.
I wake up when ever my body says.
I have breakfast between 9-10 with my mother.
Back to my room to workout for 45 minutes. (flexes muscles)
I take a shower and get dressed.
I sit on line for the next few hours, looking at sports stuff, looking at dating sites or for jobs, playing on line games and checking my email.
About 1pm comes around and I have lunch with my mother. If she wants me to go out with her, I go. Not because i want to, not because I have to, but because it's better than looking at the same stuff on line. So I get dragged through stores that I rather not be in or push a cart around as my mom fills up the cart with food.
At least once a month, I'll go with my mom to my bank, take out money, (which is in a mall) get a hair cut, and spend the next few hours bored in the mind. (can you imagine, sitting on a bench, in the middle of either a store or a mall, and not being able to see? well, it's boring)
I go back home or if I didnt go out on x day... I am back on my computer, looking at the same jobs, not seeing anything, looking at the same dating profiles, playing on line games because I got nothing better to do.
Eventually, minutes turn to well, more minutes and hours and eventually it's dinner time.
I sit with my parents, have dinner, watch cashcab and then wheel of fortune then Jepidy.
Dinner turns into dessert as someone puts on water for tea and out comes either cookies or something.
Then it is back to my room for the night, listening to sports while going back to checking emails, jobs, profiles, playing games and chatting with the few on line friends who are on line.
That's my day every day except for Tuesday and Thursday when I get to go to work for 2 hours and hope I get to run a group which I prepare for. maybe I'll have 3 or 4 clients but mostly it's 2 and they are only there because they are bored or because the tv is in that room and although I think they are listening to me and focused on me, they are probably watching the tv which is muted.
So I start to wonder, pushed more from the tragity, is this what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? I have been handed this position after the day program got shut down Dec of 08 and it has given me very little sense of accomplishment. Clients come to group if they feel like it and if they get a head ache, get a phone call, another staff wants to talk to them, or they feel like a cigarett, they leave. I can't hold them there. There is no repercussion.
I know I shouldn't look at other's situation but it is hard not to.
There are people who graduated grad school after me who are licensed counselors already and I still dont have a single hour towards the license.
I think, but that's really as far as I get, of going back to get another degree but for what? To be able to get me a job? I have 3 college degrees and I can not find a job. What is another degree going to do?
Besides, that's a lot of time, "blood, sweat and teers" to put into something that you are not even sure if anything will come from it.
Not to mention, it's money that I do not have and the money I have saved up, would be dried up and I would have nothing. It's a lot of money to spend on a piece of paper that wont ever be used.
Now... yesterday I actually did look at doctoral programs in something that I would love, and my mom would get great satisfaction in saying "I told you so" but not sure if I could really get a job in the particular field which would lead me to the above paragraphs.
The degree, the field, my dream job?
A sport's psychologist
A doctoret degree in sports psychology.
It would complete one of my life time goals.
But then what? I would be left with no money and who knows if I can find a job in 5 years (or what ever it would take) in the field and I would be back to where I am now but just with no money, 5 (x) more years older.
SIGH!
thank you bloop for being here for me to write all this.
Thank you, my bloop buddies, for reading it.
It's 9;50 AM. think I will go start my day with some breakfast
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*hugs*
