This is gonna be one hell of a ride so buckle up, people. Mwah.
I don't even know where to begin realy. Right now, I feel as if my life is over. I've searched the world over for love and only found lies and people who are so full of themselves that it's appalling. And then I met her..Kris is like..My shining sun, my oxygen. And over the past few weeks, I've gotten to hold her, kiss her, she held me, kissed me. I have found my dream girl. All of my life, I've only ever wanted to be loved. Simply and completely..Loved. Either someone loved me who I didn't love back, or I loved someone who didn't love me back. And then the people who did, always left me alone. And I'm finally able and willing to admit that a lot of that was my fault. Except Lauren. I thought that I could save her. That if I just kept on loving her and being there no matter what she did to me..I thought that my love could save her. And I was very wrong.
I've dealt with this inner turmoil and pain all of my life. For as long as I can remember. My very first memory is one of emotional agony and fear. Always fear. Fear that I'm not good enough, fear that I'll die alone. Fear of all of the natural things that people fear and then..Then there is the other part of me. The OCD one..The one that for years and years has to take so many steps out the door, flip a light switch on and then off over and over again..The one who has to shut and lock doors so many times over and over again. The one who has to enter a room so many times. The one who has to drink from a glass so many times. Has to push buttons and move things and open doors and cupboards and shampoo bottles and pop and water bottles. The one who has to have even numbers on ovens and timers and even my inhaler. If it says 7 its gotta be 8. And so on and so forth. This is the only part of my letter in which I will put blame so to speak on anyone else but my own self. There's that. And then the sexual shit with the person who you all know. I begged..For help..For years..And you did nothing. Nothing. All of you knew..All of you knew. And you did nothing. I can't be mad about it now though. No point.
But this pain is coming back..And this time, I can't feel anything else. It's strong..So strong..I feel nothing else except love. That damned motherfucking word that has taken my life and breath from me for 25 years. This time when I go under..There is no coming back..I can't fight this anymore. Yes I have the mental and physical strength to do so. Yes my emotions probably could heal given the proper amount of time and a good happy environment. I can't go and I can't stay. My son needs me..I just..Can't handle this pain anymore. It's crippled me. It's taken my smile, my laugh, my spirit, my soul. All that I had left was her. And now because of my stupidity, I've lost my girl as well. God how I love her. She was the one....Always and forever. That kinda girl. If she ever had made a commitment to me, we both know that it'd be forever and ever. So she couldnt. And I said that I'd wait. And now..I find myself without the willpower to wait any longer. It hurts so much. It..Is..Killing..Me..I'll write more later, this is killng my head. But this letter needs to be written before I walk into that courtroom tomorrow. Because if I don't come out..Words of comfort are in order and appropriate. |
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