I am, undeniably, irrevocably, in love with my best friend.
I told myself that I could live with that because he was my best friend. He trusted me and we had a relationship that no one else could ever come close to understanding.
I let go of the fact that we would never be together and accepted the fact that we would only remain friends. Now I must let go of the friendship as well and it's my fault. My fault that he'll never trust me again. My fault that we'll never have our late night talks again. My fault.
I have lost the most important person in my life. The person that knows every single one of my secrets. The secrets that I'm so ashamed of to post on this site anonymously. I love him so much that love doesn't even express it.
Because of the love I have for him I fear that I will always be alone. I can't bring myself to the thought of being with someone else. All I want is him.
I fear that once I find the one that loves me the way I love him it won't matter. I fear that I'll never love another man.
I fear I will die alone because I can't be with the one my heart, mind, body, and soul desires. To feel love of this intensity, of the magnitude is such a blissful thing. It's magical, pure, and beautiful in every way. But to never be able to express it and never have it returned back to you, that is the most painful thing the heart can experience. To have found your soul mate and never have them, it's like watching part of yourself walk away. It's knowing that you will never be whole, it's never knowing true happiness. I have the memories of a lifetime that will never happen and the heartache to prove it.
The only thing that sets my mind at ease is that thought that maybe somewhere in a parallel universe him and I are together. We're together, happy and he loves me just the way that I love him. In that universe I am happy.
If I could go back to a time where I didn't know you, would I? |
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