Morning Ramblings

On Sunday Eric decided he was going to go out to a friend's house. It was like midnight before he left. I asked him what friend he was going out with out of curiosity.. not because I care what friend he goes out with and what they were planning on doing but because he's moving out, this is my home and we lost a set of keys so we only have one and I don't want to have to let him in the door at 4a.m. I just don't want to have to wake up if he's going to go out and get laid or go out and get trashed and them come back. I know it shouldn't matter, but I guess I feel bitter in the sense that if I can't live the life I wanted to because he's taken it away from me, he shouldn't be able to go party hardy and live the bachelor life as if we never even existed. I realize that he will, and so while the thought bothers me I don't say anything about it but it's just courtesy to not wake everyone up at 4a.m. once you've got your kicks in for the night. I just asked him if he was going to stay late, get drunk or get laid just to stay wherever he is so that I don't have to wake up at some ridiculous hour. He laid into me saying that he wasn't going to go get drunk, just hang out with some friends, and that I need to stop accusing him of cheating and this and that. I told him that I'm not accusing anyone of cheating, that there is no us anymore clearly as he's leaving in two weeks and I'm staying here and that's that. There never really was an "us". He never introduced Reign or I to any of his friends, he never wanted to do anything with us in public, he never even mentioned or had pictures of us up on facebook. Come on. I might be a little neurotic, slightly obsessive, but I'm not stupid.

Anyway, so I went to use the bathroom at some point in the night and I see strange hairs on the sink. I also see strange hairs on the toilet. I look in the tub, and there are pubes ALL OVER my tub. At that point, I was like wtf... Eric doesn't trim his pubes unless he plans on getting a BJ and definitely doesn't trim or shave anything (he's quite hairy) unless he's trying to impress a new girl. I was a new girl once, many years ago, and I know how he operates. That pisses me off that at the very least he doesn't have the respect to clean up after himself. Trash is one thing, which also pisses me off that he leaves a trail of trash and mess wherever he goes but overall, I can deal with that. Pubes in my tub is another. So I'm calling him over and over and he's not picking up the phone... and eventually I told him I'm locking the doors so he won't be able to get back in at this point. I looked in the trash can after I saw all the pubes and he had hidden a tuft of pubes underneath my son's diaper. He did that on purpose, the diaper was covering pretty much the entire trash can (its in the bathroom and its small), and the diaper was wet, so he'd have had to move the diaper and put the pubes underneath the diaper. I know that this all sounds really crazy. Why am I checking the trash for pubes? I just couldn't believe that even still, he's leaving in two weeks, and he still couldn't just say ya know hey, I met this girl and I'm going to go hang out with her. I wouldn't have liked it, but it wouldn't have made me so mad if he just told the truth.

So anyway, when he figures out that I'm not letting him back in he finally calls. I hear lots of people and his voice is slurred... he said that he was at his friend Lou's house and they were having a party and he didn't realize it was a party, but it is and he wanted to stay and enjoy it. I confronted him about the pubes and told him he said that the pubes were for me! He trimmed his business because he was going to "warm up" to me later that night. My immediate reaction was something along the lines of you can't be serious... you thought you'd go and have fun, drink, get horny and come home and find release with me? For real? Warm up to me?? Now? As if I'm some little doll or something that he can just fuck whenever he pleases. No, I don't think so. So he's trashed, and says he didn't plan on drinking so much but everyone was playing beer pong. Again, yeah right! So someone stuck a gun to your head and made you drink? Which again, I really don't care but it's one of those things that you say you're going to go hang out with a friend, you're really at a party getting trashed with shaved pubes that are ALL OVER my bathroom. He questioned why it even mattered- why I even cared. I said that it didn't matter, but I do care, and I don't know why. I guess it's one of those things that when you break up with an ex, it doesn't matter if they find someone new but you don't necessarily want to see him and his new gf at the mall or something. The difference here is that with Eric still living here, I don't want him to bring traces of his new bitches home and I definitely don't want to clean up after his prep work.

He came home a half hour later, drunk and pissed. I told him I wished he would have stayed and just not came back. We got into it and I stole his phone and went to go through it right in front of him because he was speaking nonsense and I knew he wouldn't like me touching his phone so I knew it'd piss him off. Turn's out, he was meeting a girl named Kelley which he says she was having a party but he didn't go to hers. He went to Lou's. He told me that he planned on going to Kelley's which would explain the fact that I saw his text, "see you soon hunny", but he decided to go to Lou's instead and they talked about his wedding and whatnot and how he was invited. That conversation was had through text message, so in my mind why would he tell Kelley that he was going to see her soon, call her hunny which again is something he doesn't do unless he's flirting, and after all go to Lou's and talk about the same damn thing he was talking to him about via text message? I'm not saying he didn't, I'm just saying it doesn't make sense. He said Kelley was a female manager at his job... so then why would he be going to her place and calling her hunny? And then at the same time, tell her he'll see her soon and then never show up? And he also asked Troy the day before if he needed help getting to Kelley's friend's place. Troy never responded but that makes me think that Eric has been there before, perhaps on one of the days he allegedly worked late.

I know that all of this makes me seem crazy, and to be honest all of this makes me crazy. I just want to know the truth. That's all. I want to know that he's going out with girls, that he's moved on, that he's out fucking every bitch under the sun because I know it'll hurt but at the same time, it'll make me feel better in the sense that at least I know the truth. At least I know for a fact that he's telling me one thing here at home and then his actions and conversations with other people will all make sense. I guess that's what this is all about. Nothing makes sense. And in another light, I want to hate him. I want to want him gone, because even throughout all of this I miss him very much. I don't want to miss him, I want to be excited that he's leaving. Does that make any sense whatsoever? He say's its all in my head, and maybe it is.

It's like algebra. 2+2=4. We know this. We KNOW this. It's tried and true and a fact. It is what it is. When you throw in the variable though... 2a+2=4, it makes less sense. You understand the equation, you understand the answer, but you have to solve for the variable in order to complete the equation. That's the way this is. I understand what Eric is telling me. I understand what I see, read, hear, whatever. Everything that he isn't telling me, the messages that don't add up, the things he has told me recently that make me question our entire relationship like how he's always been a flirt... how even with his ex which he did EVERYTHING for he still talked about sex with other girls and lead on his other ex's even though he was in a committed relationship just because that's just what he does. That makes me question OUR whole relationship because it makes me realize that the past almost 3yrs may have damn well been a lie, or otherwise I was his secret, while the other girls were a secret from me like some disgusting triangle on the Maury show minus the paternity tests. These are the variables in my equation. These are the things that don't make sense, and I can't stand not understanding what variable a could possibly be. That's what makes me crazy.

He's moving out on the 19th and as much as I don't want him to go, especially after all of this I'm counting down the days. I was in the car listening to music on the way to pick up dinner last night, and two songs sang right to me... Face down by Jumpsuit Apparatus: "As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found... Face down in the dirt, she said, this doesn't hurt, she said I've finally had enough!" And a song called Naggin by Ying Yang Twins (I made this CD back in high school so forgive me haha but the song IS funny): "One day I got shot by cupid, this was when this relationship went stupid, we was talking on the phone to long, never act her age, she was always gone telling, me n you out with your friends, find out later on you with your other men, you ain't nothing but a dividend, say you cut, cut but you ain't getting nothing, that’s a shame and to hear its like this and I ain’t got love for you trick, shoo fly don’ bother me, will i get back with her probably,
then I thought about it I wont, do I really want you, I don't, the headache i really don't want so I’m going to leave her alone, cause I can do bad on my on that's why she gone"

Haha too funny, but yeah, fuck this. Fuck him. Fuck it and his nasty pubes all over my bathtub.