I haven't written in over a month. I feel like I should be talking about good things, but I can't...
Ever since last week I've been feeling funny. Like I was at this time last year. I don't know how to explain it. I haven't told anyone because I could be overreacting. I don't know. I don't understand how I got over it (for the most part) and all of a sudden it came back. I don't know if something is triggering it and that's frustrating. Last year I had test after test and nothing was ever found. We assumed it was the BC I went off of, but it's been over a year. Can I really keep blaming that? Especially when I haven't felt like this in roughly a year?
All I know is last week I got thinking more and more about Vegas, I found some really nice apartments, and the next day I felt weird. So once again I have doubts about moving on with my life. How can I move thousands of miles away without knowing anyone feeling the way I do.
I'm trying not to make a big deal out of this. I keep telling myself I'm fine... but it's hard. I still have some anxiety pills, but I'm not sure if I'm to the point where I need to take them. I'm trying to keep myself busy. Tonight I worked on a puzzle for 2 hours. I try to read before bed every night.
I know there's some kind of Winter depression out there, but I can't say I want to look it up. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, I just don't feel right. Which probably doesn't make sense... It's just weird that it's hit me in January two years in a row. Last year I definitely had more issues with my dizziness and whatnot. That still occurs every once in a while, but not hardly as bad.
I pray every night. I feel like God is trying to tell me something. I was looking up Vegas apartments and they next day I started feeling like this. WHY? I scheduled a pap test for Friday. I haven't had one in a few years. Nothing is going on down there, but it was time to get one. Maybe I should've scheduled a physical? Maybe I should go see a fucking therapist?
I know it's not good to keep all this bottled up. Like I said, I haven't told anyone, and I haven't been writing about it. Last year I got back into writing to help me out, and once I started to feel better I didn't write as much. So I need to make time to write, because I need to get these emotions out some how. Maybe I even need to have a good cry. But sometimes the more you think about stuff the more upset you get, and I'm trying to keep myself positive. But it's not like I feel like shit 24/7. For the most part I've been fine today, and all of a sudden it hits me. Or I might feel weird in the morning and after a few hours it goes away. So how can I describe this to someone anyways!?
A few weeks ago most of my nails were grown out, and once I started feeling like this I chewed 5 nails off. For the most part I've been leaving my nails alone, so for me to go to town and start biting them again something has to be wrong. I'm just really annoyed and frustrated with things and myself right now.
During the summer I felt fine. The sun was out, I was in the pool, I was trying to exercise, Sheila and I saw a lot of each other, and the kids were here for about 6 weeks. Now things are boring. It's cold and the sun is hardly ever out. I don't see Sheila a lot, not even at work. I'm not out walking because of the weather... But this didn't all occur last week! It's been cold for a few months, I haven't walked since probably September, etc.
I just don't know what to do anymore...
Mark and I haven't talked in 2 months, but you'd think this would've started sooner if it was related to him. That whole situation still bothers me, but I can't do anything about it. He chose to be the asshole, but it still hurts... I still think about him but not as much.
Lindsey is moving to CA at the end of the month and I'm jealous. I'm still living at home and working at a damn grocery store. That's why I'm so damn ready to get out of here! I want to do something with my life, too!
I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this.
|
Loading...