The Frame

10/27/2014

I don't know if I should write in here. I am paranoid about online privacy these days, more than I used to be. But I so WANT to write, now that I've started. For years I used to write daily, and now it's been years since I've even visited a site like this. Stupidly, I made my username very similar to my old one. I hope my ex doesn't think to google it, or do whatever he does to find my accounts whenever I create them. I don't even have an email address anymore. My phone number has changed. My address has changed. I'm so scared of him finding me, talking to me, just filling my head with his toxic words. Even writing this, I feel I am giving him some kind of power, but that's wrong, I'm giving myself power by writing and being honest with myself.

A narcissist. I got in with a bad guy. I didn't know the meaning of the word back then. I thought it was a cute little fairy tail about a guy who falls in love with his reflection. Hell, I could relate to that fairy tail. What gay guy doesn't love his own reflection (edit: this is a gross generalisation and my attempt at a joke, I actually hate my reflection)? I didn't know the guy I was falling in love with was a narcissist, a sociopath, a psychopath, until it was too late. I stopped writing in bloopdiary because he didn't like me writing negative things down, he told me it would make me focus on negative thinking, so everything I ever wrote or did online was positive, and I became FAKE. Same thing with any friendships. I couldn't say anything negative to them. I thought he was looking after my mental health. I thought he was helping me. I didn't realise he was isolating me and manipulating me. Not until it was too late.

I want my old friends back. Online and offline. Offline friends won't take me back, afterall, I pulled some real crap on behalf of the narcissist ex. Maybe I can find my online friends because I think they will be more forgiving.