Weakness.

"We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear..."
Sarah McLachlan - "Fallen"

I remember everything about him. Despite our physical distance, there seemed to be nothing that we couldn't feel between us. Whenever I closed my eyes I felt his arms around me, I felt his fingers intertwined with mine, and most of all, I felt his heart. He was so curious about me; he always wanted to know what made my blood flow, what made my heart pump, what new quirk he could discover. If only he knew that it was he who made me feel alive, who made my blood course through my veins, and it was the first time in my life I knew the feeling. I trusted him, enough to shed all of the armor I've built up over the years, and I showed him exactly who I was. I've never been so scared in my life. I cried that night, not just because I had beared my entire soul to him, but because he accepted me.

I can't help but think about the memories he and I created without feeling a large knot in my throat and the fire stinging behind my eyes as I try to blink away tears that will hopefully never come.

I don't understand how he could do these things to me. I tried to give him everything I could, more than I ever imagined I was even capable of. I always wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him feel as complete as he made me. We didn't have the perfect relationship, by far, but it was perfect for us. Every fight we had, no matter how long it lasted or how rough things got, it made us stronger in the end. We began needing one another to complete the most simplest tasks, everything from reading to breathing.

I know he's my other half, that's something that will never leave. He's still the man I want to marry, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, the only man I have ever felt safe with. The only person I've ever felt safe with, in all actuality. He's such a beautiful person, when he lets it be shown, but he did such horrible, downright wicked things to me. He knows who I am and where I've come from, so none of these problems were careless lil' blunders.

My hero, that's what I called him, turned into my villain.

I was weak tonight, but not as weak as I could have been. I escaped in time before he trapped me underneath his spell, before I began to trust him again, even though my heart yearns for his heart's compansionship. My heart is so willing to forgive him, but my mind knows that reality has to be accounted for. If I let him in now, he has the power to do with me whatever he please, whether it be love me or treat me as a slave, a trophy, a ragdoll. It's breaking every ounce of me in two, this separation, but I know there's things that still have to be mended before I could ever think of being next to him again, securely.

I always swore that I would never depend on a person, not again, because nobody in my life has ever been that trustworthy. I've been handed one too many broken promises and there have been too many occassions where people should have been there, to protect me and take action, and they weren't. I became dependent on him, but it was just so hard not to. He's my everything, or the man he once was happened to become my everything.

I feel that man is still there, somewhere deep inside where he took a wrong turn, yet I can't help but wonder if perhaps I'm just making excuses to keep the flame alive.