So tonight is opening night for the main school play- the one I wrote and directed- and even though I feel like I should be nervous/ anxious/ excited, I'm just feeling a bit numb. My brain is fuzzy! It's pretty much out of my hands now, the kids control the show- it's sold out, which is nice- fingers crossed it goes well. None of the presents I bought the teacher to say thank you have arrived, so I'm going to look like an ungrateful idiot- hmm...
am still so undecided about my life- it's plodding along quite nicely, but it's all getting a bit dull... I have completed some of my year's aims- I learnt how to knit (yes I'm that cool), it's like therapy, and stops me snacking! I want to do grade 2 on my cello- need to cut my nails off and buy the book- that's got easter mission written all over it! I have also joined the Mini Diana phase, loved my first film, but it's not as easy as it looks (just the mechanics of the camera) so there we go!
I feel very absent from life- it got very bad over half term, and I was considering going back to the doctors to get back on my drugs... but it's calmed down a bit now. I don't understand where this comes from, I think it's an inherited trait, manic depressives run in my family. But all I know is, I haven't found coping mechanisms yet... just distractions.
Dad had to go back to hospital on Saturday- he's now on drugs for the rest of his life, to try and stop him having a heart attack. His body is finally telling him off after years of abuse... it is his own fault that his body has got this way, and yet the panick and fear keeps welling up. He started to get the symptoms of a heart attack again and had to spend hours getting more tests. When he came back he didn't even want food- this is unheard of from my dad... so I'm worried. He's back in hospital today getting new drugs to try and help him, it's all a bit surreal. Nanny was crying, berating God, telling me she'll kill herself and hate God if he takes another son from her. Not really what I want to hear! You don't really think about mortality on the day to day... soon our parents will all start dying... and I'm not sure how I will be able to help my friends cope.
Right, well I need to get back to marking- teaching is definitely the best career in terms of holiday and security, but it sucks in terms of work load and the encroaching monotony. Yawn.
Love Fallen |
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