I just realized today is my nephew Jeffery's birthday and he is 22 years old. This is my brother Bob's son, the one in the Army, who has nothing to do with my brother thanks to my brother's ex-wife. Seriously, there's a reason why we call her Psycho Cunt, a word I don't throw around loosely, but in her case it fits more than you can imagine. At this point in Jeff's life, however, I blame him for not having contact with his dad, or any other member of this side of the family. He's old enough now to make his own decisions and doesn't live under his mother's thumb any longer. He was old enough at the time Psycho Cunt said whatever it was she said, we still don't know, to Jeff and Sarah to make them stop having contact with Bob and the rest of us. He was old enough to know that his dad gave him the world and wasn't a mean, horrible person that Psycho Cunt made him out to be. For all my brother's faults, the one thing no one could hold against him, was the way he treated his children. He loves them with every fiber of his being and gave them everything and more. He's a great dad. I feel sorry for my brother to have to suffer this pain every single day.
Yesterday I was feeling a bit deflated. I still feel it. I get worked up and overwhelmed before big events like Christmas, and then the Bears game, and while I wouldn't trade them for the world, the after effects of such things stay with me for a while. It takes me days to recover and I'm left feeling like a balloon that suddenly had all the air let out. I've got no spark or dazzle or pizazz. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I can't even manage the simple task of getting a shower and getting dressed. I'll be honest. I didn't do either one of those things yesterday. I simply didn't have the energy. I will force myself to get a shower today, but I may get right back into pajamas after I do.
Then again, I may not. I've asked Amy to take me to the library today, so I can speak to the person in charge of library services about putting up flyers regarding Twelve in 12. I've already laid the groundwork with them, but the person I spoke to couldn't make that decision. I need to speak to someone higher up. We'll have to see if I actually make it there some time today, because the truth is, I might not. I just feel off and completely drained of everything I have to give.
Exercising won't help me with this. I just have to let it run its course, but of course that means that I'm not going to the Y either. Amy wanted to go yesterday to work out, but I didn't feel up to it. After lunch, she wasn't feeling well either, and wound up sleeping all afternoon, while I slept for two hours. I'm certain I'll sleep again today. I can already feel it.
It's a combination of the grey skies, cold and icky weather, and the flurry of activity since Christmas Eve. It gets to be too much for me to handle. To be honest, I'm really surprised I actually made dinner last night. I think the only reason I did was because Amy was getting hungry and needed to take her pills. Otherwise, I probably would've let it go. But cooking something as simple as chicken, potatoes, and mixed veggies, took some more wind out of my sails. And now I have to cook again today.
To feel this way isn't good, but i'm already on the maximum doses of the meds I take, and I'm not going to have my doctor monkeying around with what works the MAJORITY of the time. I'm not a guinea pig, and when doctors start switching around and playing with my meds, I wind up suffering twice as badly.
Today's chapter was on fellowship and the importance of it. Fellowship, in its biblical meaning, means a close-knit small group with which you give and receive in a close, intimate manner. True fellowship isn't the coffee and donuts after church, and it isn't the meet and greet after services either. It's the bible-study group you work with. It's the group of friends you hang out with, where you can be authentically yourself in all honesty. We are called to fellowship in small groups, even though weare called to worship with larger ones.
Jesus was an example of fellowship in that he could've chosen more than 12 Disciples, but he only chose 12. Anything more than that and the shyer, quieter people tend to get lost in the crowd or overshadowed by the more dominant ones. That's not to say that we can only have 12 friends and no more. But in our groups, and there may be many, the perfect size for real fellowship is to keep the group small.
In real fellowship, the members of the group experience authenticity. You can be your true, real self, without judgment. You can bare your soul and unburden your heart, or share in the joys of the others in your group. It's heart-to-heart, gut level sharing. Real fellowship is also about mutuality - giving and receiving, building reciprocal relationships, and helping each other out.
It's also about experiencing sympathy - understanding and affirming someone's feelings. Each time you do, you build fellowship. There are different levels of fellowship - sharing, studying, serving, and suffering. And in real fellowship, you experience mercy. Forgiveness is instant, for we are called to forgive instantly, but it's the trust that takes time to be built back up.
Point to Ponder: I need others in my life.
Verse to Remember: Galatians 6:2 - Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ.
Question to Consider: What one step can I take today to connect with another believer at a more genuine heart-to-heart level?
I think I'm doing it right now. I know some of you are believers, and some of you aren't, but I think what we do here in our diaries fits all the criteria for fellowship. We share with each other in authenticity and mutuality. We experience sympathy and mercy from one another. I don't have a large following in my diary, and that's fine with me. I prefer the smaller, close-knit group that's here. In my offline life, I have Amy, and I also have Diane and Steve, even if I don't see them very much. Maybe the step I can make is to call them and just check in. Probably a good idea.
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