NoJoMo 12

11/12/2010

Well, I'm back, and feeling about as normal as I can feel under the circumstances. I still don't have a lot to say because yesterday I just took things easy. I never bothered to even get dressed all day, but I did manage to do the dishes and actually cook something for dinner, even if it was only smoked sausage with macaroni and cheese. Not much, but it was something.

Like I said yesterday, I thank God for Amy Jo. She really saved me the other night. And even last night, although I was feeling more normal and like myself, she stayed with me because I was alone all day and night, until the last possible moment before she had to go to sleep. I had to assure her that I would be fine until Al and Corri returned home.

And fine I was. They arrived about 30 minutes after Amy Jo went to sleep.

Corri, of course, has been gone for the past two nights. She was actually on her way home the night I thought I was going to wind up in the hospital, and I texted her and told her not to come home that night. She had to turn around and get taken back to Jason's house. I had no idea she was on her way home. In retrospect, I probably should've let her just make her way home that night, and then she'd have been here with me, but I had Amy Jo and was waiting for Al until I passed out cold. I figure my sister has enough problems and things to worry about that she doesn't need to add me to her list. At any rate, it worked out fine.

Last night I spoke to Mom for a short time. Didn't really have a lot to say. She gets kind of up in arms about Corri going out so much, "living the high life" or whatever the phrase is that Mom chooses to use. I told Mom, I'm neither Corri's jailer nor warden and she's a grown woman. If she wants to go out with her friends, then let her. If she's drinking while she's with them, then that's on her. At least she's not doing it here. But as far as I'm concerned, if she wants to go out, even every night, then let her go. Nothing good can come of trying to keep her here in the house. Mom didn't have any response for that.

I called and left a message for my brother the other day, and I'm assuming he couldn't get me financed on that car because I had no money down. He hasn't bothered to call me and say anything to me. I told him if I couldn't get that one with the warranty, then please co-sign for me to get the first one. I don't care if there's a warranty or not. Still no phone call. It's going to come to me having to go to one of those little used car lots to pick out my own car. I just know it. Well that's fine. If he can't help me, or won't help me by co-signing, then I'll do what I have to do.

When Corri goes into rehab, I told Al that I would like to get a part-time job, even if it's just for the holiday season. The extra money would help us out, and it would give me something to do. The thing is, I can't do that unless we have a second car. He really doesn't want me driving at night because I don't see as well as I used to. He said my night driving scares him. To be honest, my night driving kind of scares me too, if the road isn't well-lit. I really don't see as well at night as I should. Eventually, it'll come down to me not driving at night at all, but right now, I can still pass the night visual test at the driver's bureau, so that's good enough for me.

There have been so many good NoJoMo prompts and I haven't followed a single one this year. I'm kind of proud of that fact because I've actually had things to say, even if it IS all just fluff and very little substance. I don't always have a lot of substance and emotion to release. Besides, I think those of you reading me know me well enough by this point that you know who I am, who the real me is, and all the fluff is part of me. It's the fluff that shows where I am in my life, more so than an overly emotional piece. The truth is, I don't have a lot of emotion to release right now. When I'm angry, I come here and say so. When I'm happy, same thing. The day to day goings on in my life are just as reflective of where I am as something dripping with "substance." At least that's my opinion on the subject.

I really think my desire to turn over a new leaf and change the way I react to things is making a big difference in my life. I don't get as upset as I could be. Despite my frequent anxiety attacks, I'm not stressed out. I'm not stressed by my sister and her antics in the slightest. I've come to realize that she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions. It's not up to me to save her. I can't. The most I can do is give her a safe place to live. And really, that's all I'm doing. I don't search her room for alcohol. I don't throw her bottles away or empty them out. That is for her to do. Mom thinks I should be doing those things, but I told her no, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to worry myself sick about whether or not she's drinking here.

Yes, when she is drinking she lies to my face about it, but the next day, when she's sober, and I ask her if she was drinking, she tells me the truth. She tells me where she got the money for it and everything. That's enough. It lets her know that she's not getting away with shit and that I'm onto her. And she is appropriately admonished without me having to say anything.

Corri has told Al that it bothers her when I treat her like a child, so I'm not treating her like a child anymore. I haven't been. In fact, I've been going out of my way to make sure I don't. I can't stop Mom from treating her like one, but I can certainly stop myself, and I think I've been doing a good job of it. Al even said he thinks I am doing better about it. Corri has to understand though, that even though I treat her like an adult, Mom is always going to look at her like a child. Plus, the cutesy little things Mom does and says to her, that's Mom's "thing" with her. It's something the two of them share. It's not like Mom is going out of her way to treat her like a child.

Oh well. That's between the two of them. I am only worried about my relationship with my sister. That's all. I let the other two worry about their own relationship. It's part of me treating her like an adult. I'm not getting in the middle. If the two of them have things to say to one another, then they need to talk to each other. Period.

As for me, I'm keeping a list of things I want to discuss in family therapy when Corri is in rehab. I have a feeling it's not going to be pretty, but I'm going to discuss what I need to discuss anyway. If feelings are hurt, so be it, but it'll be like rebreaking a nose so it sets properly. Painful at first, but worth it in the end.

Speaking of things like that, Al wants me to get botox or something similar to it. I have frown lines at the corners of my mouth, leading down into my chin. He doesn't like them because he said it makes me look upset or angry when I'm expressionless. He's right. I don't like them either. Honestly, I didn't think he even noticed. I have those two lines, a worry line between my eyebrows, and some crows feet around my eyes. I told him I'm not crazy about the idea of getting botox, but if they have something other than injecting botulism into my face to make those lines go away, then I'm willing to do it. We just need to get out of debt a bit more first.

At first I balked at the idea because I told him it's flat out vanity to even care about it, and it is. I know it is. But after thinking about it, I know it will change my face to a more positive look, a fresher look, and it'll kind of go along with the more positive and fresher outlook I have on life. Like I said, I'm not doing it right away or even anytime soon, but it's something we're looking at doing in the long term. I never thought I'd be one to do something like this, and maybe I still won't. I could change my mind when the time comes, but we'll see.

Anyway, that's the what for today, my fine and wonderful friends. Hope you all have a wonderfully lovely day.

Remember: TGIF!

(This Grandma Is Fabulous!)

LOL