NoJoMo 6

11/06/2010

Spent the day by myself yesterday. Al left for work a little early because he had to go to the base and pick up Jericho's additional pills from the vet clinic, and then he dropped Corri off at Mom & Dad's house where she would stay and wait for Jason to get off work and come pick her up. They were planning to go bowling in the evening with a group of friends and then she was spending the night at Jason's house. And she says they are just friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend, but he sure does do a lot of things for her and pay her way a lot for someone who is just a friend. If they are actually dating, I approve. He is far better for her than Ray, that's for damn sure.

So yeah, since she left with Al, I was home alone. It really got me thinking. I've come to rely on her being here, not just for the fact that she actually cooks real meals for us, and saves me from having to do it, but she is always here for company for me and it's made my life a little less lonely. I'm going to miss her when she goes into rehab, and if she gets out and goes to a halfway house. We still don't know if she's going to go into one. I know she doesn't want to go into one, and technically, although they suggest it strongly, she doesn't have to do it. I have no problem either way, whether she goes in or whether she comes back here to live, but Al is leaning toward the halfway house. Amy Jo has also advised me that the halfway house would be better for her, but you know, in the end, it's Corri's decision. We can tell her we want her to go into one after rehab, but if she chooses not to, what's Al going to do? Throw her out in the middle of winter? I think not. I don't think he'll throw her out at all. For as much as he doesn't like the fact that she's here sometimes, he wants our private life back, he recognizes the fact that overall, despite the stress she puts me under when she drinks, despite the extra expense of having her here (although she's been buying the groceries with her food stamps and contributing to the household in more ways than one) she is a lot of fun to have around and it's been good for me because I'm not so freaking lonely.

I *like* having someone around to talk to during the day that isn't online. I *like* having human interaction. I *need* human interaction. I don't mind running her to appointments in the mornings. I like going to the library with her. And if she comes back here after rehab, I'm going to spend the money for a household membership at the YMCA so she and I can go there if she starts getting antsy and jonesing for a drink. I even got a new bathing suit in anticipation of it, so I can use the pool there.

On the car front, there is still an off-chance I might get it, but it's looking like probably not because I don't have money to put down. My brother Bob called last night and asked if I could come up with $500 down, and I really can't. It would take me a couple of months to come up with that. He said that lenders are not really keen on giving people auto loans these days without any money down, especially if they have even one little blemish on their credit report, which of course I do, thanks to Al. Then Bob proceeded to launch into this big lecture about how can I afford a car if I have no money, and why can't I get a part-time job to help out, and why are bills late and where is our money going when Al brings home a certain amount of money in conjunction with the Social Security check I get. I told him, honestly, I don't know why Al has been late on bills, which I don't, and he has to look at the fact that we've got an extra mouth to feed and extra expense with Corri here, but of course I can afford the car because I was paying more on the Malibu than what I'll be paying on this one and I still have that money that I've been socking into other bills. It was a long, drawn-out discussion, and it left me feeling like shit and totally dejected. As far as getting a part-time job, I have no problem doing that, but I need a car of my own in order to do it. It's just not feasible with one car and me having to drive back and forth to drop Al off and pick him up from work and waste all that gas because that would be four trips, back and forth to Vernon Hills every day, instead of just two when Al drives himself to work.

My mom didn't help matters much with the brotherly "discussion." She's kind of the catalyst that caused that phone call in the first place. She talked to Bob earlier and told him I asked her to drive me to Burlington so she could put gas in the new car if I get it cuz right now I'm broke. She never should have told him that because that's not his business. That's private between her and I. I called and read her the riot act about it and told her about Bob's lecture and how he left me feeling like shit about the whole thing. Sometimes, I swear, my mother doesn't think before she opens her mouth. I'm not asking her for shit anymore if she's going to do that over and over again. There are some things my brother just doesn't need to know and she needs to learn that.

Amy Jo is pissed at my mom for opening her mouth and pissed at my brother for his lecture, and she offered to send me money for gas if I get the car. I don't think I'm going to get it, to be honest, and if I don't, I guess it just wasn't meant to be this time. I'll have to save up some money for a downpayment and try again when I have it in a couple of months.

There's always some sort of drama going on in my life and honest to Pete, I hate it. I really loathe drama of any kind, but it's always there, isn't it? It's there in everyone's life, from time to time, but it seems like a constant in mine. I just want to live an ordinary life for a while. That's all. Is that really too much to ask?

On the cousin and clothes for Corri front, because Al only has $15 for gas to last him until Thursday, I can't go to my cousin's house to pick up those clothes. Plus, like Amy Jo was saying, Corri needs to go with me to at least say thank you in person. I guess we can do that next weekend, and I'm not going to let Corri get out of it. We can't even go to Mom's for the football game on Sunday because the car uses about 1/4 tank of gas round trip and we just can't do that right now. I have an appointment with my diabetes doctor next Tuesday, too, so that's another gas usage.

I hate this. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I hate money. I really do. Money is the bane of my existence. You can't live without it, but worrying about it all the time isn't healthy. The thing is, I know I've been shopping and buying stuff, but it was stuff I could afford. I had the money for it.

It'll all work out in the end, one way or another. I know this. And there's no sense worrying over any of it, so I'm trying not to, but when my brother starts in on me the way he did, it makes it very difficult to stay positive.

I told Al this morning, that we're going to force quit smoking for all three of us, but he gets to be the one to tell Corri there is no money for cigarettes. If we need to come up with a down payment for me to get a car, then we need to save every penny we can right now. There wil be no "extras." Cigarettes are an extra expense. We'll just have to figure out a way around the cravings.

Life is still good. Don't get me wrong. I'm still trying to practice kaizen and think positive, replacing all my negative thoughts with positive ones and live in the now without worrying about what tomorrow brings. I just needed to vent all my frustrations and this is as good a place as any to do it.