Will that become the new "stuff"? Man, do y'all remember when every entry was "stuff" "stuff and stuff" "the never used entry title stuff"? Bloop's new entry naming thing won't work for me, if I go back to something like that. Maybe that's why I haven't been writing real entries.
For reasons I only barely understand, everything changes at 11pm. And I'm going short on sleep, trying to live there, in that place where I can at least see the person I used to be. I can see the waves, and I can taste the fire.
I am a shadow of a shadow rippling against the wall
Bleared and diluted, a charcoal caricature left out in the rain
Where did my words go?
Of all the hearts I broke, I miss my own the most.
There have been whole generations of people, in my life, who have never known me.
I can't even properly conceive that.
I even know when I lost the last pieces...
[01:49] Jessie le Fey: What's the matter with me Ari?
[01:50] *********: what do you mean?
[01:54] *********: *holds you*
[01:56] Jessie le Fey: I had it. For a second, I had it. I breathed smoke and I flashed fire, and I lived between the notes in the song, and I... I tripped on the pain and the shame and the fear that I never could manage to articulate that I hide behind a mask of pride, and I want to bleed unto the silver plate until it makes it all okay but it wouldn't anyway, but I can't seem to just limp away.
[01:56] Jessie le Fey: I want to scream until I'm hollow.
[01:57] *********: explain more if you can.
[02:02] Jessie le Fey: I...
[02:03] Jessie le Fey: God fuck I do not know how to make it come out.
[02:05] Jessie le Fey: You could kill me with a laugh.
[02:11] Jessie le Fey: There are the shadows and they breathe and they dance with me... The song of the stars, and the kiss of the wind, and I am so afraid... And I couldn't show... And the past and the present is the same and it's not because I'd never have been able to even say this, and I just wanted... just wanted... to not be alone, to have... to not be humoured. Or dismissed.
[02:16] Jessie le Fey: And I couldn't show and I couldn't even let myself see that he could kill me with a look, and I couldn't talk because I had to talk around everything I was afraid to be told I wasn't but had to be, and I can't even tell him I'm sorry to his face because it echoes inside without that face pretending that I am less and I am not and I don't see. He could kill me with a laugh. He could've killed me with a laugh, so I couldn't give him the chance and I couldn't die, not again not like that anymore, and I just want I want
[02:17] Jessie le Fey: I wasn't good enough, and he could've killed me with a laugh...
[02:18] Jessie le Fey: And you could kill me with a look, because I am so much less but I'm not, but it's a dream and you're so much more and I can't I can't
[02:19] Jessie le Fey: I can't hold the fire because I keep tripping and I can't even tell him I'm sorry to his face.
[02:21] Jessie le Fey: I don't want to be there by myself anymore, and I can't bear to be told that I was never there at all, that I was not, cannot am not as good, just... human. |
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