It's been awhile since my last update. Several things have happened since then. I didn't bother to update because I didn't feel like it. After watching "Prayers for Bobby," it inspired me to write.
For anyone who haven't seen "Prayers for Bobby" it's a really good movie. Very touching. Also very sad. It's based on a true story.
My girlfriend was very confusing so I decided to become distant. Kind of detached, if you will. That way if she does decide to go with someone else, it wouldn't hurt me. After all it is an open relationship. Last week she texts me and talks about how much she misses me. I would type how the conversation went but that was last week and I've accumulated so much texts since then, it'd be very tiresome for me to go back and search for these texts so I'm not going to. Basically she wants to see me on the 1st. She wants to go to the batting cages, putt-putt, and other stuff. I don't know. I do miss her and I still have feelings for her but I'm worried about where this is going. I don't want to break it off with her because I feel like I'm the one who really supports her... I may be wrong but the way she talks about how I'm so good to her, it makes me believe that. She has ovarian cancer. Haven't gotten her ovaries removed yet. Medical is really screwing her over or something like that. And I'm afraid if I break it off, it'll hurt her so much that she'll shut down and give up? Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit. At the same time, she wants to explore and see other people, I guess.
This is very frustrating for me. But I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to complicate things for other people. I want to keep things simple but they somehow keep becoming complicated.
For example, when I go to parties I keep having this urge to drink. When I drink, I don't think. What I mean is I don't worry about everything. I just go with the flow. Only problem is sometimes that gets me in trouble.
So far I've made out with two girls. One girl twice and another new girl. Both times, they made the move. I'm never the one to make the move. Even when drunk. I haven't made out with anyone while sober. Oh wait, I was sober with that second girl. It was very awkward but I kissed her briefly because she was asking me to. She was really drunk. And good looking too.
Later that weekend, on Sunday, I went to my aunt's house. She was having a club meeting there. Ran into my old friend there and we spent all night catching up. It was really nice to see my old friend. Kind of weird at the same time because my friend, I've known for 15 years, knows my aunt because they go to the same school. During the club meeting, my other aunt, my friend, and I were kind of the center of attention. If anything, I hate having the spotlight on me. I get embarrassed easily and I fidget a lot because I'm nervous. While I'm standing up in front of the circle with my friend and they're asking questions, I notice this girl looking at me. We made eye contact a few times then looked away. She was nice looking. Short, brown hair. Nice eyes. Shorter than me. Very nice smile. I'm worried that this girl likes me. I don't know her yet so I can't say that I like her. But my friend is friends with that girl and she told me a bit about that girl. Apparently she's very humble and shy too, I think. In other words, we share a lot of traits. Life sure is confusing. I hope I'm just overthinking things and that the girl doesn't like me. Because it'd further complicate things. I really want to keep things simple right now.
Writing this entry is really frustrating for me. I have to be careful to not put down any names or give too much descriptions. That way no one will figure out who I am. I'm still afraid of judgment. I think I'll end this now while I can. |
Loading...