.oo9. Inadequate? | 02/16/2009 |
 I'm not really sure... normal. bold. underline. italics. strike-through.
I'm a pretty confident person.
It's taken some years, but I am.
I like my body the way it is, which is hard for most women to day.
I feel that I wouldn't change anything if given the option.
I like just me.
Since Michael lost his job he's been getting closer to God.
He memorizes scripture & has a devotional every morning, is so much more devoted & involved at church & it's great.
I think he was really lost before.
About a week ago he approaches me while I was getting ready for work & says, "I have something I need to confess to you."
"Okay... What's going on?"
"I just thought I should tell you that I looked at porn recently & I feel really bad & really guilty about it. So I wanted to apologize to you."
Kind of a surprise since Michael is so completely opposed to porn it makes him upset to even talk about it.
But I wasn't angry at all. I thanked him for his honesty.
It really has started to bother me the last few days.
Because now I'm realizing that this is where the problems in our sex life have stemmed from.
I talked to him about it last night & today. Let him know I wasn't angry at him for what he did, but let him know it really has effected my confidence level & it's effected our intimacy.
I said that I was really upset that instead of turning to me, his wife, for satisfaction, he turned to a computer & to a woman he doesn't know. I said that like it or not, he has shown me that I am not good enough. That instead of having physical contact with me, he chose this over me.
He tried to tell me over & over again that that's not true & that he loves me, etc.
& I told him that even though he thinks it's not true, it is, because if he was truly, genuinely attracted to me, he wouldn't have turned to porn. & that it wasn't his love I was doubting.
I know he loves me.
I'm just really having trouble trusting him now.
Three years ago I was taken advantage of by a close friend, & I didn't come out & tell ANYONE until about a year ago, including Michael. I told him that certain positions & actions scare me now & take me to a very dark place & that it was something we needed to work on.
& I've finally started to feel like we had won that battle.
& I just feel like after all the work, prayer, talking that we did to right our intimate relationship before, is being reversed now.
Obviously not in the same magnitude, but still.
I feel like what we have isn't sacred anymore.
I feel like if we did have sex again in the near future, he wouldn't be in reality, he would be thinking about what he saw on the computer screen.
A few weeks ago we fought about our sex life, because we always do.
& I told him if he didn't like chubby girls he chose the wrong person to marry.
Because I have tried diet & exercise, & I eat healthy & am pretty active, & my body isn't changing.
I am the way I am & that's it.
So we'll see where this ends up.
If we can't figure this out, I think I'd like to seek out a counselor.
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