Secrets

Quotes:

• "Remember tonight... for it is the beginning of always."
• "You've haunted my dreams."
• Ad astra per aspera. - To the stars by hard ways.
• "It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."

I guess it's not that much of a secret. I don't broadcast it but I'm sure my friends have assumed the truth. Just looking back at my past relations with men I can see that I have issues.

So here it is my secret...

I am still in love with my ex.

I don't think we need to say his name. I try not to. It still hurts. It's been 7 months. I've dated another after him. But I still remember him when I'm sleeping next to someone else. I think of him when I dream about my future. I know that it will never happen again. I know. But it hurts to remember this all the same.

And I listen to the songs he loves. I remember him singing them with his slight Southern drawl. My lips twitch in past smiles. He lives in California, North Carolina, somewhere far, far away. And I wish I was there. Anywhere with him.

Maybe we were fated to fail. Maybe that's the reason things happened the way they did. But I never did believe in destiny, the fates, kismet, God. Not when so many tragedies occur daily.

I guess that's why I rue the choices made and the hateful words that were uttered. Because I believe that alternate endings are lost because of them. Happiness evades me.

And all I have left is a withered husk of a heart and ire coursing through my veins like all the waters of Niagra Falls trapped in a sewer. Overflowing. Spewing hate out of me like tentacles of anger.

I try to make myself happy but I only remember being happy with him and now he's gone.

You flew off with the wings to my heart and left me flightless in your absence.