I love that I can come here to my diary at any time and say "wow. today sucked." It did. just a crappy day. Kids were terrible today just terrible. Being a teacher to kids this age is a struggle. My balance between loving and firm has to change from kid to kid. I feel like my head is going to explode. I am not mentally equipped for this. But then I think... Mentally equipped for this? Of course you are. This what? Another life struggle? It was interesting reading my diary from 2004. My biggest problems then (at least the ones that were impt enough to write about) were college issues. I was worried about assignments and exams. I was "so stressed out." Well here I am... over ten years later saying "I am so stressed out." Either I'm putting too much stress on my life or I am allowing all this stuff to get to me more than it should.
I love these kids. I do. I am not trained enough to teach this many children with autism. Or maybe I am, but I have to also be a traditional k/1 teacher at the same time. My k/1 kids should not be with this class. They need to be separated, but the company that owns the school thinks that hiring a new teacher isn't a good financial decision.
I'm honestly losing my mind. There are so many of them that scream and run and need a flexible environment to work on their own time. My K/1 kids need structure. They need quiet and concentration. They need to know that they can have fun and work hard at the same time. I can't do that with my foundations kids. They need a different kind of combination between fun and working hard.
And I really do feel like it is a reflection upon me as a teacher. I am not able to "teach" anything, because I'm constantly trying to manage my classroom.
And that is my what's currently stressing me out this decade.
When I take a step back from my life though, there are so many wonderful things. I have an amazing husband and good friends. I have awesome family, and even out of all the crappy jobs i've ever had, I usually find and take a good friend with me through to my next era. So many of my good friends now were past coworkers. I'm already seeing friendships develop in this new job.
I just have to keep reminding myself that I love kids. And good practice for that hopeful future of my own. And I really hate to say this, but seeing how some of these parents are raising their kids is a definite reminder of what NOT to do. It's hard being a good role model for so many kids. I truly pride myself on trying to be a good person. And I'm not just saying that out of hubris. My ego is pretty shitty, but that is the ONE thing I know I'm good at. Trying to be a good person. Constantly. There are people in life that remind me of that life goal to be a good person. I worked at wal-mart for six years. Wal-Mart customers (not ALL, but a good majority have this same characteristic) are greedy, rude, and arrogant. They are cranky, whiny, and ridiculously ignorant to anyone else's feelings but their own. You'd think dealing with them all these years would give me skills to deal with elementary children.
Every day is a constant struggle to keep my head afloat. I'm going to get insurance from the school. I'm hoping I'll be able to finally go see a doctor for all this screwy brain anxiety. Reading about my stress level in college, and then now hasn't changed much. My mom is the same way (we're really alike in a lot of ways) And she takes medication. I'm normally not an advocate for medicating oneself. But weed is unfortunately still illegal in FL. And right now it's only doing so much. Just for the school year. They summer and winter I'll stop.
On another note, I'm writing and reading a lot. I guess I'm a fan of escaping into a fantasy world. 
peace!
-mel- |
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