Currently I'm procrastinating. Originally I was procrastinating by looking at my OD where I write under the same name (Tak) with the same diary title (Operation Impending Doom); however that site has been crap lately. In fact, it's been more crap than usual. It's been so crappy that I, as a non-paying member, had to find somewhere else to write - OD is just that unreliable. I can no longer make my 'home' there. Even as I write now I was am occasionally checking OD to write a farewell entry and link to here.
I was one of those people who would be just about to subscribe and then OD would poop out again and I'd be like, "Oh...right...that's why I don't pay for their services." The 'Diary Master' is a fucking joke and I could go on and on talking about how shitty that site has become, but this is about new beginnings...
So we'll see how this site does. I have to say so far I really like it. Once I'm 100% sure this is where I want to build my new online home I'll probably delete my OD and subscribe here.
I have a test coming up tomorrow and I'm not quite ready for it. I have a paper due tomorrow too. Ho-hum. I will get there somehow, I always do...but getting there may involve lots of coffee/soda/cigarettes. If it weren't for the fact that OD crapped out I'd have already written whatever entry was on my mind (honestly I've forgotten it now) and been back to the books. Such is life.
Right now I'm feeling kind of sad. OD was a big part of my life and it seems to have just vanished. This comes at a time where I'm losing a lot and tons of things are changing for me. This year:
* My mom died from lung cancer. She was 64. It was awful and I'm very sad about it. I will take my post from OD about it and bring it here if OD ever comes back.
* My boyfriend of nearly 6 years left me. We would've been together for 6 years on the 29th of this month. I am having a little shadow grief about that. He left August 1st, Mom died August 26th.
* Nursing school's final semester started August 23rd. It is a time of a lot of work and a ton of apprehension. I'm almost an RN and find myself questioning my career choice.
The above has fed into my depression. I was suicidal for a while about a month ago. I still have lingering thoughts of suicide. I have a hard time keeping up in school because there are days where I'm so fucking sad I can hardly move. The only thing that gets me going again is the threat of failure. It's very draining to live in constant fearitude.
I'm not sure if writing helps or hurts. Usually I'm more entertaining and upbeat. Unfortunately for anyone reading this, I'm sad right now. At the moment I'm staying in Anchorage with my Aunt and Uncle who are totally awesome and supportive of my nursing school career.
Well, back to the books I guess. Or maybe I'll update my front page here. Either way, this entry is over. Thanks for reading (or not).
~Tak~ |