Here Goes...

Where do I even start?

I suppose I'll start with why I'm making this journal, since I already have another bloopdiary. Today I met with a psychologist and she told me she wants me to journal. When she said that I'm pretty sure she didn't mean she wanted me to write pretty poems, which is what my other bloopdiary is for. I'm pretty sure she wanted me to try to write out some of my emotions that I typically have been dealing with in other ways. I'm pretty sure she wanted me to be vividly honest. I like to share my poetry. I want my friends to stumble across it. Not so with this. This has to be secret. Anonymous. Somewhere I can be totally truthful and candid. And this is what it will be.

Why was I seeing a psychologist?

I'm not crazy. I was raped last March by a guy who I thought was my friend. When I went to my campus health department to get checked for STDs (to be on the safe side) they made me talk to a psychologist on campus (P). Standard procedure. At the time, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't think she could help. I wanted to forget about it and move on.

Almost a year later, I realized that my life had become entirely complicated. I seemed depressed on a certain level. Not all the time.. but sometimes. I drink more than I should. I started cutting again. I tried molly several times. I slept with a few too many people over the summer. Any relationship I try to have fails miserably. I can't trust guys easily. I am in a sexual identity crisis. Am I bi or am I gay? Do I need a label? I am going to grad school next year for philosophy and don't like my philosophy classes much anymore. I'm scared I'm making a big mistake. A boy that I'm in an open relationship with moved from CA to try to make things work. A lot of history there. He left me the first time. Before all of this happened. He wanted to try it again. I hesitantly agreed. It's not working out. I need to end it but he guilts me into staying. It's not good for me. It's not fair to him. So I gave P a call.

Hell, it was worth a shot, right?

I think it kind of helped. I felt numb and apathetic when I was driving there. Not even sure why I scheduled again. Didn't think I needed it. Must have just been a bad last weekend. Two minutes into my session I'm crying. Obviously I do need to talk.

She says I haven't dealt with the situation yet. She's right. I'm just not sure how I can. She said talking to her is a good first step. She said I need space from my relationship. She's right. I need to work on that. Quickly. She said I should try to write things out. Journal. Write a letter to the guy who did this to me, not that I'd ever send it.

I'm not going to write this all right now. I think I might focus on certain aspects at a time. Like the fact that something similar happened between 8th and 9th grade. Focus on trying to feel angry at these men. Because right now I just feel hurt and overwhelmed.
Confused.
Unsure.

Right now I want to keep talking about it. I need some cathartic experience. I need to get it out. I need to get back my love for philosophy and learning. I need to be able to trust the men in my life again. I need to get to that point. I have a long ways to go. Feeling it is a good start. It hurts. It feels like it's ^consuming me.

Maybe I need to be consumed.
Maybe I've put it off for too long.

It's worth a shot. So, if anyone does ever read this, I'm sorry it's not pretty. I love writing pretty things. Pretty words... pretty poems.. If you want to read any of that, I usually write on my "sunshine, love" account for those things. But I'm going to try something new.

It scares me.

Ready or not, here I come.

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