Drum role....the confrontation of me kyle | 04/17/2009 |
title.
Please remember that this is hard for me to talk about so soon.
It started off with me crying yesterday morning. Kyle whent to work and the only time i would be able to talk to him was after work at 6. It felt like 10 years from now, But he texted me saying that he did feel good and he wasa home, that was my chance. I told him that i was having a bad morning and really needed to talk to him, he said come over when i can/ I whent to my first class than to his house. I cried the whole way there. I walked in and he was sleeping so i sat down next to him and asked how he felt. He said better now i was there. He pulled me close and we cuddled and i began to cry. Evntualy we got up and went to the bathroom to talk bc bj was there.
I was on the toilet (seat down lol) and continued crying say thing that i have to talka bout us and how i dont want to talk about it but know that i have to. I said that last week everything he did pissed me off and how i realized we were on different levels in life. Im on my way to a carrer nd hes on the way to nothing. He said that Lisa and Joey (sis and brother in law) were in that same situation but there still together. I said that I felt like i woke up one morning and realized we werent going to work out and how forien that felt to me. That i didnt feel like myself at all, like it was a bad dream i couldnt wake up from. I dont remember all the details bc it was alot of crying and feeling horrible.
I told him that when im with him im happy and when were apart i feel like my hearts broken bc it hurt so bad. I was the hardest conversation i ever had with him. He asked what i wanted to do, i said idk. He told me that we could do counceling, but that seemed a little extreme for 19 yr olds. He said that he didnt understand how we could be together for so long and how i could not wanna fight for this. Relationships are hard you have to work on them. He kept saying ill do what ever u wanna do. In my head i was thinking end it. but the words wouldnt come out. It was a problem that didnt have a solution and right now were just taking it easy. it feels like losing a loved one and you tippy toeing around. We had makeup sex and i was more or less ok the rest of the day, but things felt forced for me. Im afraid that hes upset or mad at me. He told me hes not, but im afraid that hes ganna tread lightly bc he thinks ill leave him.
Totay i still feel sad and sometimes the idea of its not ganna work pops in my head but i havnt cried on ive had small moments of joy. But i think that ive this continues everyday for the next week kyle and i are going to have to hash this out. I think im ganna talk to him about this. He sugested a break i said fuck that breaks are stupid. But that might be ehat we need. So if i feel this way. well take it easy for a bit and then decide. I just dont wanna hurt him or cause him more pain. I feel quilty for putting him through this bc he doesnt deserve this. He shouldnt spend his days worrieing if im ganna end. Part of my will hope he does it first. I guess the truth is i know what has to be done, im just not ready to give it up yet...
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I'm sorry you're going through a confusing time in your relationship right now. It's good that you're going to be focused on a career, but remember, you BOTH are still young. Just because his future isn't quite as planned out as yours doesn't mean all that much. You're both still trying to figure out what you're going to do. For the majority of people that's the notion you must go to college. More education. More specialization. That whole deal. Still, for some they don't know exactly what they want and that's a horribly daunting task and can leave someone stalling for a bit while they try to decide.