Yes, this is my 3rd time creating this diary. I usually use this when i am in a time of need for venting or advice. Right now I need advice.
Kyle is my boyfriend of almost a year and a half. We have a great relationship. Lots of love and support, but.....latly I've been struggling with thoughts of the single life. Of meeting new people and flirting with guys. I miss that. Also Ive been thinking that my life is moving forward. I'm on the correct path to becoming a math teacher and its going to be a rough 2 years. Kyles currently working a landscaping job, with my best friends father and on the path to....nothing. To him college is a thing that he will do aventually (im only 19 i have planty of time) yea and that turns into never going. I never in my entire life would have expected to be thinking that my life might be better w/o him. More concentration on school. Less money spent to feed him when he doesnt understand how to save his money.
The problem Im really having is the things he says and does to me. For instance the past few days i have been really annoyed by him. Everything he did pissed me off and i couldnt hold it back. Well last sat night was my best friend kyms b day dinner and b.c he spent all his money in express i had to pay for the meal. Well kyle likes his beer and he knew that if i payed he couldnt drink at dinner. So he "pregamed" and drank a beer well were in that car halfway there and he tells me he feels nausous. I said "do you want me to take you home?" he said "no" I literaly pull into the parking lot and hes like "I think I need to go home" then says hell stay in the car. I was so infureated by him like wtf this is the second time this has happened. Well he felt better and joined us but still come on! Well today I was talking about my mom, now our familys are 100% different. My mother is neive with everything and i was telling that to kyle, saying that my mother is trying to teach me morals, and hes like what morals? you dont have a religion....im like what the fuck? the morals are what my parents teach me...right and wrong. Hes like exactly you moms morals in this nasty voice. like dont dis my family. He does that all the time, like he was raised really loose and i was raised stricked and he acts like my way is wrong and my parents are asswholes. I would love to have a guy who doesnt disrespect my family. I no i have to confront him but hes closed minded and hardheaded so its him being right and me wrong.
Idk the more i vent the worse i feel. I think of all the bad things hes done and im trying to think of the good, but its like i wanna hang out with him, but when i get there im bored, or i dont wanna cuddle or have sex. And im pretty sure thats the worst sign, when u stop wanting to have sex...Idk what to do. If i end it, ill be miserable w/o him or just misserable bc im alone and i dont want to be. but if i stay i dont wanna feel like this for months and months. Where is the sign that says "Alex you need to leave" or "Alex you found the one"
All i can think about is the conversation with kym i had while we were waiting for a table and kyle was sleeping in my car. She said "No offence, but you can do better" and thats what hits me in the face. I no for a fact I can do better....and the question is do i wait and see if its a just a faze, or do i completly distroy someone who has been broken so many times and possibly regret it. Help me
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