By this time you guys are all probably 1. really intreged by my drama (as i would be if the situation wasnt mine) and 2. Annoyed...(wich i would also be)
I had work today and for those who do not know, i would at a mini golf place and this is my 5th summer there. I devote my summers to p.v. While most girls are spending there weekends on the beach or in exotic places. I am however dealing with children with blunt metal objects, and Marlton Mothers who have rocks the size of small villages, and dont understand that during there childs birthday party i am NOT the babysitter. Anyway...today was my second day back and i was so happy and cheerfull. Like returning home after a horrible vacation (boscovs) I loved every min and my 5 hour day flew. I also made 22 dollars in tips...yay! I scoop waterice and people usually give me there change out od politness. I keep the tip jar by the sponns and napkins..gatta work it!
I think i blogged this morning but i can remember so ill recap...I cryed and hurt but for only about 20 min. and the crying was like 2 tears.
During work i had another light switch moment. Happy sad happy. Sad for about 15 min then bam happy. I asked kyle if he wanted to see and movie and he said yes and added a dinner onto it. We sat outside waiting for out buzzer to go off and i told him that i had a better day today. And that this morning was horrible and it was the same thoughts. Then I told him that i realized something. Which is the fact that if you dont love someone or wanna be with that person. You dont wanna be around then, or cuddle, or have sex, or spend time with them, u just wanna get the fuck outa there. I told him, i dont feel that way, I wanna see him and cuddle and everything so it has to be something else. I sad that i think it was a combo of being at my stress breaking point bc i tend to stress so bad to a point that i crack and either pass out of blow up. This time i think it was a combo of school, money, boscovs, my mother and the fact that kyle would do little things that pissed me off. But the little things were things he did often. Like the whole parental bashing thing. He continued it bc I never said that it upset me. I told him that today btw and now he knows to word things differently.
I said that i love him and i wanna work through this and that ill open up more about things that bother me, not stupid shit like ur chewing to loud, but bigger things like saving money (hes terrible at it) But i love him and tonight i felt like we were back in that hooneymoon stage were its all smiles and laughs and im sitting here with a little smile on my face. We will work on this, and each day I will get better. Please I know it sounds like I am ignoring the inevitable or being a coward, but i am happy and i intened to keep that. If you think im crazy dont comment bc i dont wanna hear it (no offence) I love him and that is what im going to use to knock this sadness away.
I love him... |
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and if, in a couple months time, if itstill isnt working, then at least you know you tried.