I'm Not as Strong as I Thought

05/30/2009

Derek started his first day of night shift today. 11pm to 8am without him, and quite frankly, I'm not sure i'll be able to keep up with it... The house is so empty without him, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't even pass time correctly, because everytime I try, and I think two hours must have passed, I look at the clock and it's been no more than thirty minutes. He has become so much a part of my life in the years that we've lived together, that I can't even sleep because the darkness is a lot darker without him. Every shadow moves without him being here, the sounds are louder, scarier. I may cry, but no worries, because I'm that emotional of a person. I'm tempted to call him for some small shred of comfort, but I know already that I can't do that. He has to work, he can't take the time to chat with me everytime I get insecure. Besides, if I call him now, I know that I'll just get comfortable calling him, and end up doing it every night without him. Does he have any idea at all how much this is going to fuck up our entire system? With him sleeping the way he does already I so rarely see him, and it's an odd night when we actually sleep together at the same time. But now, I'll never see him, and I'll be praying to whatever God there may be that we'll just have every day off together so that we can spend it doing absolutely nothing as we usually do.   GAH!   I'm so depressed, but I don't want to go lay down, because I know the darkness and loneliness is just going to suck me in, eat me alive, and leave me in a distraught state of mind. And to think, I have to wake up at 8 tomorrow and go to work myself.   "God only gives us as much as we can handle." Yeah, my ass. Clearly, God does not know how emotionally unstable I truly am, clearly he does not see I'm already fitfully enraged by our current situation, wishing every second of every day, that we could work something out, get our schedules to be a little consistent, just something, where I can actually lay next to him, fall asleep with his breath on my neck. I donno, it's been so long since we've actually slept together...maybe he doesn't even like sleeping next to me. Maybe that's why he stays up all night, even without a night shift to look toward.   I'm...so very lonely. I should just start drinking my money away.