..::..Evacuate..::..

So i dont know about all girls, but i know i hate when guys play head games with me. I thought the guy i liked was more mature to play games, but i guess i was wrong. I think he is leading me on.. and is going to continue to do this to me until im completely shattered and broken. Im trying to move on because the one thing i hate about guys is games. Im more mature for that. BUt it is sooo hard to get over him. He is everything i ever dreamed of. Ive been trying to find his flaws but its becoming quite difficult to do right now.
I saw a guy at the mall, he works at the lids store, but hes too cute to be single and if he is i feel there would be something wrong with him... like bad wrong though. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont mind being single but there are so many couples out there, including a butt load of my friends, and it makes me want one sometimes. See all the happy couples holding hands and kissing. I want that back. When they get into fights, sometimes i want that too. I dont know whats wrong with me, but there must be something. Ive been trying to improve, but that hasnt helped much. I guess im just going to have to be patient and wait for my "prince" to come. hahaha load of crap i think. I always tell myself im not going to try and find a guy, but i always find myself searching after i tell myself not too. Its a bad addiction, worse then those girls who cant be alone... like alwasy need a boy on their arm. I just always need to search, even if i find one there taken. It sucks.

Another thing on my mind.. its bothering me. But last night i dremt of suicide. I dont know what that means, but i always wonder about things, and i dont know if thats healthy. Just wondering if other people do this too. BUt somethings if im driving i think about what would happen if i drove off the road, or on the wrong side while a car was coming... or what it would feel like to hit a sign, or another car going really fast. And coming home from school last week, i was passing an 18 wheeler and i wondered what it would feel like if i laid on the road and the truck run me over... like if i would feel it. I dont know if theres something wrong with my brain haha but i wonder shit like that. What it would feel like to get hit my a bus.. like stepping out infront of it. Its weird but idk.
But im pretty tired. Im gunna relax and try to get some shut eye. Good-Night<3