In Seattle now, I can write for a while

02/18/2010

Things have settled SOME with Da Hubband and me. Meaning, we had sex the other nite. Yeah, that was great. I feel like the only reason it happened was because I whined about not getting any. The Girlfriend had to put his hand on my crotch to get it to happen, too. AND he started snoring! Yeah, he's really into having sex with me.

I feel like he's bored with me, that he just doesn't want me anymore, and the only reason he's still with me is because he gave his word that he wouldn't leave. He doesn't care about my feelings, or at least that's how I feel. I don't know what else to say about it. Other than he hasn't for a good while. This is the same thing that happened with my ex. We did ok until we hit about year 3 or 4, and he got bored. Except he'd been cheating on me since somewhere around our second anniversary with my best friend, they were sneaking around behind my back, and this relationship, we're all doing it out in the open. C'est la vie. It's still gonna end the same. At least this gives him a good out, a legitimate way to get the fuck away from me, my mom, and my kids. He's got one of his own on the way that he has to worry about supporting, instead of three kids that aren't his responsibility. So... At least now he has a reason to get out of this marriage that he didn't want in the first place.

And I'll let him go gracefully and with no arguments. I'll just let my mother run my life the way she's always wanted to, and he won't have to worry about me and the kids anymore. Not that he really would to start with. I'm not exactly the type that guys think about once they've moved on. I know #3's bio-dad hasn't. Except when the court comes knocking to remind him he owes massive back child support.

I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm psycho, and I alternate between being too smart for my own damn good and being dumb as a mud fence in a rainstorm. I'm selfish, self-centered, and a know it all. I *am* the manipulative bitch that both the ex-husband and #3's sperm-donor have BOTH said I am. I'm lazy, irresponsible, and verbally abusive. And THAT'S all when I'm on my meds! So... why would anyone in their right mind wanna be with me?

But I love my husband, and I love our girlfriend, and I'm fucking THRILLED for her. She's so happy, even though she's scared shitless bout this. Her mom is trying to weasel out of her who the father is, and she's trying like mad to NOT tell, because even though her parents took the news of her pregnancy well, they would NOT take her being pregnant by a married man, much LESS her being in a poly relationship well AT ALL. And she's terrified that she's going to lose the pregnancy, like she did with her first, at 8 months. Miscarried triplets. Or that it's an ectopic.

I want to get my IUD out. Not so I can try to get pregnant, but because I'm pretty sure it's run out or it's about to. I honestly don't think I can get pregnant (yeah, but that's what they told the Girlfriend... that she couldn't, and look where we are now!) anymore. I only have 1 fallopian tube and ovary, and I've got some pretty nasty endometriosis going on, so I really don't think it's possible. But, I need it out so that we can find out how bad the endo is so I can get them to go back in and do surgery again.

Ok, I'm so tired my eyes are starting to cross. I gotta cut this off. I had a big long entry that I wrote in a notebook the other day, but I've misplaced the notebook now. Guess I'll find it when I get home tomorrow.