Time for the proper entry!
Well, my first entry got a few interesting private notes. A few asking me to explain more, which I did in the last entry. A couple from people offering to be my daddy and informing me that I'd been a bad girl and need a spanking rolls eyes.
Oh well, I suppose I invite those type of notes with the entry I wrote.
Anyway. I've since spoken to the friend I quoted in my first entry, which he read.
He says I misunderstood him and that he doesn't actually mind me being a little, and he's fine with it if I want to let my little side out around him. He's just worried that I'm going to be taken advantage of and hurt, which I can understand really. I'm not exactly the best judge of character.
I'm still looking for somewhere that I can go to and roleplay a child (preferably a child neko) so I can let my little out to play. It won't be exactly the same, but it's better than nothing.
Like I said in my first entry, it's unlikely that I'll ever get a partner for this kind of thing.
I have too many health problems physical and mental to ever expect another person to take care of me as a little and a pet with no sex, and no chance of anything like marriage or a normal romantic relationship.
Sex makes me VERY uncomfortable. I mean, I can deal with other people doing it. I'm not one of those people that is disgusted by sex and thinks other people shouldn't enjoy it. I just don't want it.
My psychiatrist says that my asexuality is most likely related to my past. When we first got on the subject of sex and my feelings towards it I thought she was going to start trying to cure me of it or something, but she says as long as it's not an issue for me she's not going to try.
I'm fine with sex and things as long as it's not directed at me. I do get uncomfortable if I'm in a conversation and there's lots of sex jokes being thrown around, but most people that know me just keep it to a minimum.
I don't totally freak out anymore (I used to get very panicky when sex was mentioned, now it just makes me uncomfortable) but I do have my limit to how much I can take.
At the moment I'm going through some issues with touch. From anyone.
I have had full blown panic attacks because someone tapped my shoulder to get my attention, or attempted to pat my head, or pick me up.
(Why does everyone think that because I'm stupidly short (growth hormone deficiancy) that they can pat my head and pick me up?!)
Anyway, I'm currently working on that with my psychiartist.
Also, kissing one of the most basic things about being in a relationship. I don't like it. It does -nothing- for me and the thought of sticking my tongue in another persons mouth makes me shudder.
So... yeah... as you can probably tell, I'm not exactly relationship material.
I do get romantic feelings for people, in fact I'm head over heels in love with someone at the moment.. unfortunately he lives in another country. But the most I'd ever want to do with a person, once I'm over my being touched issues, is cuddle. That would be fine for another asexual.. but I doubt I'm likely to find an asexual dominant who wants a little pet.
If I was with a sexual dominant, I'd have to be in a poly relationship so that they could get their sexual needs fulfilled, because they wouldn't get that with me.
Also, the whole being in love with someone, who also feels the same way about me even though we can't get together makes things akward.
Although we've agreed that we can't get together, and to stay good friends I still sort of feel like I'm cheating with him if I consider getting with another person. He's told me more than once that he considers me his girl, and he's very protective of me.
To be honest, I'd love to be his, but he's not into being a daddy or human pet owner.
One other option I've seriously thought about is being the pet of a gay man, or couple. That way I'd know there would be no chance of them wanting sex from me, and me not wanting it with them wouldn't be akward in the slightest. However, I can't really see that happening either.
Anyway, I'm not sure what else to say tonight so I think I'll leave this entry here.
Davey
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