Blessed madness -- a goodbye

02/10/2010

Later on when perfection was set before me, I understood that to become a saint one had to suffer much, seek out always the most perfect thing to do, and forget self. I understood, too, there were many degrees of perfection and each soul was free to respond to the advances of Our Lord, to do little or much for Him, in a word, to choose among the sacrifices He was asking.

Then, as in the days of my childhood, I cried out: "My God I choose all! I don't want to be a saint by halves, I'm not afraid to suffer for You, I fear only one thing: to keep my own will; so take it, for I choose all that You will!"

- St. Therese, "The Little Flower," from her autobiography Story of a Soul

I began keeping an online diary when I was about 20 years old. At that time I was in college working toward a Journalism degree, interning for a U.S. Senator, and was about as religious as Richard Dawkins. I was a hardcore Democrat and pro-abortion feminist. My major plans included moving to Washington D.C., working in the White House or in Congress, and staying single for many years while I built a lucrative career for myself.

That was just about nine years ago. Today I am 28. I am married and a stay-at-home mom of two (so far!). I fell in love with Jesus seven years ago and last year I found incredible fulfillment in my Christian journey as I joyfully came into full communion with the Catholic Church. I rejoice in adhering to the orthodox, historical faith. Politically I am now closest to being a Libertarian and I am a staunch pro-lifer. My major plans include loving God with more radical abandon every day that He gives me breath and raising my children to do the same.

Much has changed over the years. My diaries have chronicled every step and misstep, every conversion, every repentance, every dark valley traveled, and every mountaintop conquered.

Soon, a new journey will begin. But unlike this past decade, it will not be recorded here or anywhere online. I am leaving the social communities of Bloop, Facebook, etc., and embarking on a new road. A road where it's just me and my Beloved. A road significantly less littered with the devil's pseudo-spiritual distractions, vain conversations and debates, and temptations toward self-importance and pride.

The truth is this. Ever since my conversion to Christianity, I have found it tiring to my soul to engage in conversations and activities that do not revolve around my precious Lord. (I realize now this was a divine gift He chose to bestow upon me.) I have always felt it is a tremendous waste of time to be around other Christians and yet have conversations revolve around such passing things as entertainment or fashion. When I used to be actively involved in the campus ministry at my former evangelical church it always used to be a severe trial for me to engage in "fellowship," like playing volleyball or attending art walks. I longed only for Jesus. I wanted only to talk of Him, to learn about Him, and to read His Word. Everything else was frivolous and difficult to bear.

Because no one ever identified with me in this way, I began to suspect something must be wrong with me. I took it to heart when my Christian friends suggested I was "too spiritual for any earthly good" and that I needed to "encourage others" by talking about worldly topics with them or engaging in these fellowship-building activities. One of these activities in my old church was dating. It was common for everyone to go on double dates on the weekend, regardless if you were interested in the person you were paired up with or not. It wasn't really a romantic activity as it was a time to be together and have fun, but nevertheless I was horrified by the thought of it. I actually cried! I wanted to dedicate myself solely to God. I wanted nothing to do with a relationship with the opposite sex unless it was one of serious and thoughtful spiritual counsel. I felt a deep calling to remain single and serve Christ alone my entire life.

However, every time I tried to express this to other Christians I was quickly disregarded. There is no room for the single person consecrated to God alone in Evangelical Christianity, or really in Protestant Christianity as a whole. If you are single it is only because of the unfortunate circumstance that you haven't yet met the one God has planned for you. So, reluctantly I went on these "dates" and pushed aside the notion that I could stay single and live a life where all I did, said, and thought could revolve around His Majesty. (Oh if only I had known about cloistered convents and been open to embracing the teachings of the Holy Catholic Church!)

Although on the outside I have tried to conform to what people expected and said was good, in my soul I have always remained alone, troubled, and sad. I caution everyone about this because it has caused me much harm! In many ways I have drifted from and even sinned against God because I have purposely tried to conform myself to the wisdom of the world. The scary part of all this is that these snares of the devil come through even those who believe in God and appear as very holy and good people. You must be very cautious. The devil devours those who are weak and ignorant, which is why it is so important to have the fullness of the faith and adhere to the orthodox teachings our Apostles and Fathers of the Church have passed down to us. If the Lord has enabled you to understand what I am speaking of here, please heed His voice. I am not speaking of my own accord here.

But I have digressed. My Beloved has showered His blessings upon me! He led me to His Church and now He has opened up the treasures of the faith as revealed through His devoted Saints. It is now that I realize I am not alone! What my soul has always longed for has found kindred spirits in the courageous souls that have gone before me. They, too, felt the same deep desires as I do (only stronger and more pure since they were much more pious than me). They, too, longed only for spiritual conversations and, eventually, rejected even those in favor of speaking primarily to the One who gives the soul its ultimate delight.

St. Therese concluded when she was only about 13 years of age, "For was not Jesus my only Friend? I knew how to speak only to Him; conversations with creatures, even pious conversations, fatigued my soul. I felt it was far more valuable to speak to God than to speak about Him, for there is so much self-love intermingled with spiritual conversations!"

God has given me so much grace to enable me to finally see this. And it is for largely this reason that I am leaving my online life. While God has managed to do some good through me here, despite my wretchedness, I am not allowing Him to do much good with me. What He has accomplished in me thus far has been in despite of my efforts, even though I think my innermost soul has always longed for Him and to do what is good. I figure I can offer Him this small sacrifice of detaching from this part of the world in order that He may better cultivate my soul to be more pleasing to Him. Of course I would not even be able to make this choice if His Majesty had not enabled me to do it. I deserve no praise and my Beloved deserves all of it!

It is time for me to be in the quiet with God. For those few Christians left here, I encourage you with these words:
When the Lord begins to instill a certain virtue in the soul, she should tend it well and never take the risk of losing it. This is especially true of attachment to what other people think. Do not assume that those of us who believe we are detached actually are. We have to be exceedingly careful about this.

Anyone who wants to make progress on the path but is concerned about his reputation needs to listen to my advice. Strive to detach. Attachment is like a chain no file can cut. Only our sincere prayers and earnest efforts, combined with God's grace, can set us free. Attachments are like shackles on the spiritual path. I am astounded by the harm they can cause...

If you do not pick off the caterpillar of attachment, it probably won't destroy the whole tree because other virtues will compensate for it, but the tree will be worm-eaten. It will not flourish. It will not be beautiful. It won't even allow the trees around it to thrive. The fruits of good example they offer to others will not be healthy and will quickly wither.

I often say that no matter how small a point of honor may be, it is not worth fighting for. Concern about what other people think is like striking the wrong chord on the organ or playing a song when the timing is off; the music is dissonant and ugly. This attachment to reputation is a problem in any context, but it is especially toxic on the path to perfection.

We are striving for union with God. We are seeking to follow his teachings, which have come through Christ, who was falsely accused and burdened by his wounds. And we also want our honor and reputation to remain intact? These two desires are mutually exclusive. If we take different roads, how can we expect to meet God? The Lord comes to the soul when she has made a voluntary effort to surrender her rights in every possible arena.

"But I don't have any opportunities to practice detachment from my rights," you may say. Or "I have nothing to give up." Remember, the Lord wants you to attain the highest good. If you are determined to break your attachments, I do not believe he will stand in your way. His Majesty will arrange so many occasions for you to practice detachment that you may wish you had never asked.

St. Teresa of Avila

You who have sincere love for Christ, you are the light of this world! Do not be afraid to look like a fool to others! If I had a chance to go back and do this all again, I would choose to be much more foolish than I was. I was constantly torn between serving Christ and catering to the sensibilities of this world. It dilutes His message. Just be passionate for God. Which would you rather be? Embarrassed and rebuked here on earth, or embarrassed and rebuked in Heaven?

Suffer a little here, even at the hands of other Christians, so you do not suffer later.
He who was thrilled to be considered crazy, since that's what they called Wisdom herself, will find himself exceedingly wise. How few holy madmen are alive today! Our sins preclude this blessed madness. Such fools for God seem to be extinct. Where are the ones who would risk everything and perform heroic feats for love of Christ? O World! O World! How much of your honor is won by the small handful of those who truly know you?

We think we serve God better by being wise and discreet. Maybe so, but I doubt it. We jump to the conclusion that we are failing to set a good example unless we act with somber dignity and carry out our duties with cool authority. We think it's weird if a monk wears old, patched robes, and we fear a scandal if a nun slips into ecstatic states. That's the way the world is today. We have forgotten the perfect love and the sublime raptures the saints experienced.

In these troubled times we live in, I think this sober mentality causes far more harm than the discomfort created by spiritual teachers who counsel us to reject the things of the world and back up these teachings with action. The Lord converts such sacrifices into great blessings.

If some people are scandalized by holy foolishness, it brings other people to their senses. Now more than ever before, we need living examples of what Christ and his apostles suffered for love.

St. Teresa of Avila

Risk ALL for Christ! Do not be discouraged by your sufferings, but offer them as a sacrifice for God. Remember that the Lord bestows severe trials to His best friends. Be honored that you are given a cross to bear and do not envy the seemingly carefree life of the wicked. They enjoy their fun and luxuries now, but you will enjoy much greater gifts in the world to come.

Above all, never forget that God loves you. He has been exceedingly tender and delicate with us -- far more than we deserve. Take it from me. I have spent almost the complete entirety of my life opposing Him and dealing Him all sorts of the most offensive blows and yet still He has led me with everlasting kindness and poured out the sweetest of blessings upon me. I know most, if not all, of you have led far more pious lives than I. Be comforted! You are His beloved and cherished possession. Trust always in Him and He will not ever allow you to be plucked out of His hand.

I will miss you all so much. I'm certain I will never forget those who I met here, especially those who I grew close to and who inspired me to seek to be closer to the Almighty. If our paths never cross again, may it please the Lord that we meet again in Heaven.

Goodbye and may God's goodness always shine upon you.