eating disorders never go away

03/17/2009

never say never
im in one of those reading moods. so i was reading sarah's live journal.

have been the past two hours.
she's given me the link at least 8 times but i never told her i read it.
i didn't have any interest in reading about her diary until i knew she was depressed.
then i got worried and tuned in.
at first i went through the pages skimming for my name and didn't come across anything bad about me.

now i read it all of the time and go back to read stuff to better understand her

then today i was telling her about how i think my sister is reading my diary
(and if she is she's reading about my suspiscions right now)
cause she saw bloop was one of my most visited webpage on my laptop
a few months back when i was smoking her out.

well i told sarah this theory on AIM, then went back to her LJ while she was typing a response and read this paragraph at that exact moment:
"it's funny how i lack self control. you think growing up, watching two girls i idolized who i spent an ungodly amount of time with develop, go full throttle into, and try and get over eating disorders. two, simultaneously. i was 8-10 while this happened. they were 12-14. and i watched it all happen, i read their teen open diarys, i heard them talk about their fast, everything. i watched, heard, and understood it all as a child and yet watching that i feel has made me never want to restrain myself to the kind of pain and misery they felt. yet, while i lack it and do what i want, when i want the majority of the time i am still extremely miserable."
those two girls, she idolized, were michelle and i.
yes we both suffered from anorexia simultaneously.
yes we were young and probably said stupid shit in front of sarah and didn't realize our damaging words.
like talking about our food consumption of that day
"i didn't eat"
"i had two baby carrots"
i didn't even know she was reading our diaries.
stupid me thought an 8 year old wouldn't see my diary name at the top of the screen and think of her going home to read all about my anorexia.

then the next paragraph was about nothing that related to that.
like she could just say that, and thats it.
i feel awful.
but i feel like if i apologize for exposing her to this shit as a kid she'll know i've been going back to entries dated in February of last year.

sigh.

fucking anorexia.
you've always got me cornered somehow.
i am so embarrassed of my body now.
im so ashamed.
i would have probably committed suicide at 14 if you told me i'd weigh this in college...
MY FRESHMAN YEAR