fuck bloop

and nicks fucking silent too!
less than one word responses
so i panick- start bitching about dave swope.
hes not believing me or comforting me
i panick some more

i make his dinner and plop it in front of him and go back into the kitchen to make my own
since im starving and all i had ate or drank all day was a 5 hour sugar free energy drink
i get back to him 10 mins later and he hasnt eaten.
i ask him "what are you doing tonight?" since all i had planned was to eat dinner and watch tv mindlessly
but he gets all weirded out by the question and says he just wants to be with me.
then i feel "well obviously hes going to get bored, im already bored. this is his break too. why cant he go off and do something FUN while i sit on my stoop? can't i have at least one STOOP night?"
no. the answer was no. and if i have to feel miserable i might as watch miserable tv.
my mom turns on intervention.
the first episode, none of my inner demons are discussed.
my mom goes to bed and rob jacobs stops by to annoy poor parker

so its just nick, em, and i.
the episode of the alcohol anorexic who cuts herself comes on and i immediately text michelle and sarah because ik they are much alike to the idea of this as i am. michelle doesnt tune in, pry cuase shes smarter than me, and sarah does- pry cause shes as sick in the head as i am :)

so it starts off like any other episode but hten i start listening to the family's side of the story.
and the more i hear the more i get pissed off.
a little girl at 5"7 and 80 pounds telling her parents she needs help with her eating disorder and parents telling her she's fine and if she wanted to kill herself she should just do it already.
but emily was saying shit like, "fuck that selfish bitch. id hate her too if i were her family" and nick was agreeing.
i went into another panick mode.
i probably was on and off again crying 6-8 times but nick only noticed twice.

emily can be a good sister. she can. but she yo-yos are relationship so much it throws me back into the 13 yr old anorexic body that once had the sister from hell, that once was extremely depressed and self mutilated herself to get out of the rut.
how could emily, of all ppl, not have symapthy for this woman? hasn't she always called herself THE anorexic daughter THE daughter or ONLY CHILD for that matter that never belonged? 
so as the comments went on and on and emily and nick pricked apart this girl i felt pathetic.
i felt humiliated. here is my sister who knows where im vulnerable. knows what makes me crazy. and he fat, drunk ass is getting my bf to voice the same thoughts. yes- any SANE person thats never hurt themselves, starved themselves, abused alcohol, would agree with my sister's perspective. and she KNOWS that. she KNOWS nick is too good for me and it kills her so she does shit like this to make me subconcsiously hate him. or to consciously tell him about my past that im just not ready to do. because once i tell him i cant untell him. i cant skip a meal without mommy nick slapping my hand. no, im not ready for that.
and i don't know if ill ever be.

nick had his friend pick him up since i was stone cold and was staring at a wall till he left.
i  cried in my bed and tried my hardest to fall asleep but i couldnt.
my teeth were throbbing fro mthe crest white strips and my eyes were burning with tears
and my stomach was growling
and my body was shivering
and all i wanted to do was sleep
just go to sleep and never wake up because i am not brave enough to have to wake up and deal with the same inner demons a second day in a row.

well i wake up to my phone going crazy.
7 missed called from nick.
4 text messages.
i answer, im all groggy, hes all crying.
i just wanted to yell
YOU KNOW WHY IM UPSET- CAUSE I USED TO BE ANOREXIC AND YOU WERE FUCKING MOCKING MY PSYCOLOGICAL ILLNESS WITH THE PERSON WHO MADE ME THIS WAY- WITH THE SISTER THAT PICKED ON ME AND RAGGED ON ME UNTIL I WANTED TO BE MORE LIKE HER. THE PERSON WHO TRHEATENED TO TAKE MY LIFE AWAY. THE PERSON WHO THREATENED TO PRINT MY DIARY OUT TO THE SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
thats why im upset.
but i didnt.
i couldnt give him an explanation. and hes so confused.
i just told him i had some inner demons and it wasnt really his fault, it was mostly my own, and i just needed time.
he doesnt understand though cause the boy has lead a perfect, never depressed, has a great family... LIFE!
so how could he ever sympathize with me?

i never though my eating disorder that started 7 years ago would ruin a relationship today.
a relationship of 1 year that was perfectly healthy.

but it has

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