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sigh
i studied for what seemed like 2 seconds but it was actually 4 hours. i
think my philosophy exam is going to be quite easy; lets hope. i can't
focus on child psych, i don't know why. usually thats the easier of the
two for my brain.
vinnie never texted or called me tonight.
yeahhhhh he invited me over at 4ish, whatever, but that was it. it was
awkward and i left within minutes. i stayed up until 12:30 then
realized he wasn't going to call or text. and realized that no one was.
and realized that no one has visited my room since meghan has moved
out. no steve, no mike, no vinnie, no vanessa, no victoria, am i that
hideious?
im reading new moon and an iron & wine song stuck
in my head. edward started to remind me of nick and a few pages later
edward dumped bella. haha. oh lovely.
its weird having the room
to myself. when everyone was in here saying goodbye, victoria went,
"wow. this room is empty now. chelsea, did you add ANY flare to this
place? " and i didn't feel hurt until later, when everyone left and i
realized the room was dull & dead without meghan's pictures...
i already miss her.
i
saw her hot pink high heels in the bathroom tonight. she forgot them
even though i told her to check the bathroom. those high heels have
been sitting there since the night she first invited me to go out with
her; the first night i felt like more than just her roommate. i'm going
to make a special trip to her house next week to drop them off and see
how she is.
vinnie is different now.... i don't know what it is. i don't know if i did something wrong... i miss him.
i
miss smoking with him. i miss making him laugh. i miss talking about
stupid shit that i thought i'd forget in moments, but really i can
recall every line of every conversation.
nick fell asleep
early tonight. i texted him at 9 and he never replied. he must be
exhausted, i kept him up until after midnight last night, and he wakes
up at 6.... my bad.
nick is so in love with me, its like a dream
come true. everytime i have a thought inside my head like, "wow. i wish
i could just live with you right now..." hell say, "i wish we had our
own house right now". everytime i think "it would be so nice to just
share the same bed.." he goes, "i would just love coming home to you
and crawling up next to you in bed". i never say things out loud to
him, but he says these things to me. i don't think he realizes how much
in love with him i am. i really don't.
i just took another
look around my dorm and got choked up. my freshmen year is over. its
really lonely here. meg and i never talked that much, but its nice just
to have another body in the room. maybe it seems worse cause i took her
bed over. i feel like im trying to replace her... but i never could.
shes far too beautiful and funny and talented and everyone seems to
fall in love with her. hence why no one has come over or bothered to
text or call me since we said our goodbyes.
wow. i never thought it would hurt this much.
wanna
bet that everyone visits tomorrow and i write about how annoyed i am
that i didn't get to study, even though im pretty sure i wont be able
to study tomorrow either since vinnie wont tell me what was bothering
him on friday.
when i went to whisper about the vinnie situation
to vanessa she went, "wait wait wait! you lost your virginity!?" i
hesitated and just thought "i don't even want to be here anymore. no
one gets me" then i told her about vinnie. she agreed that it wasn't
about me but she urged me to march upstairs, right then and there, to
find out what was bothering him, but i didn't. instead we walked to
colonial to eat dinner. i hated it. i miss state quads dining hall, i
miss the familiar faces....
people just walked by my window
luaghing hysterically and i lost my train of thought. my heart actually
went into my stomach. all my windows are closed too... why am i so
jumpy? ....anways.... while we were at colonial vinnie texted me,
"come over, quick". and i went "oh shit. im on colonial". and he went
"oh... text me when you get back". then by the time i got back the
excitement (or so what i thought it was) was whiped away and he had a
serious face. even when he showed me all his weed and i asked how long
hes had it and he told me 3 days and i asked how much he's smoked and
he said none cause he was waiting to share it with me. then i said
something along the lines of him having other friends who smoke,
obviously i know cause i've smoked in their dorms, and he didn't answer
to me and told me he'd call me later.
but he didn't.
this boy is insane.
i
already miss nick. i hate not knowing if someone is going to be mad at
me or happy when i fucking see them. nick is the only person that is
the happiest person in the world when i see him.
friday night
he was talking about smoking cigarettes with sarah. it doesn't bother
me that my friends smoke, especially sarah, shes 3 years younger, let
her live a little. but it really bothers me when i think of nick
becoming an acutal smoker. if everything stays like it is, i will marry
him one day and i will have a life with him, but i don't want him
smoking and ending his life any sooner than mine. i love him too much
to not care about him smoking.
the next morning he told me he
gave quaker his last pack of cigarettes and when i went, "last?" he
told me he was never going to smoke another cigarette again in his life.
i believe him.
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me and dustin made a deal that i would quit smoking and he would quit chewing. and it was really hard for me. i hope you appreciate his sacrifice lol.
