when you're a stranger
this is a result of two days worth of shrooms.
i tried explaining it to nick but i couldnt find the words.
yes, he has been with me, tripping, the past two days but today i realized
no one else trips as hard as i do. i go borderline freak when i trip.
a good few hours of an electrical shock to my brain.
i like everything. in fact- i love everything. evan talking about moving to alaska.
mike talking about base jumping. i was ready to slap $400 down and go.
what are we doing here?
life is all about waiting.
right now? im waiting for nick to text me that hes bored or hes done eating or what the fuck ever
tomorrow? ill be waiting until my stomach growls, call amanda, go to panera. waiting
thursday? ill just be waiting for it to be the weekend
waiting
im saving my money. for what?
well this week its for my one year anniversary with nick.
what else am i saving for?
what are we all saving for?
mike is saving money without a gf, without a job (unless hes dealing), without a college education.
what is he saving for? his wife and kids in the future? but what if he never gets married?
what is everyone doing? saving hteir money to stay in one solitary place.
saving for their future.
but what future? so you can work 9-5 every weekday. drive to work. to home.
bored. watch tv through your dinner and ignore your family that you saved your entire life for.
waiting and saving
its christmas break. im just waiting to go back to college. im sitting here waiting.
but why?
the simple answer is to go to college- become my dream. this hunch i have that i could be a good psychologist one day.
but why? im waiting around. doing nothing in my spare time.
what do people do with their lives?
people that dont work 9-5, who dont save every penny and sit around watching tv... bored.
what are they doing?
am i stupid to want to travel? to want to do weird random things that other ppl think are odd?
am i weird for wanting to spend the life i have doing everything i want?
im not getting any younger.
hell, this is my last year to be a teenager.
and im spending it watching my brother cook dinner and zoning in and out of family feud.
im realizing how much i love my brother, how great of a person he is.
and how ive been in and out of the house all break, not even bothering knocking on his door.
to come in his room and sit. get to know him better.
its just nuts how life sometimes can just pass you by, without yourself realizing it
i dropped nick off at mikes. we were just driving around and talking abotu shrooms.
i was coming off them and went to p&c to get my birth control and a bag of ice for my mom.
of course the pharmacist hits on me and makes some small talk and it weirds me out and im kind of a bitch to him.
but
when im walking around trying to help sean find honey, yes- nick's bro
HAD to be there to witness my dilated pupils and bag of birth control,
im thinking of how that guy is only trying to be nice and hes not
hitting on me. not one bit. hes just at his 9-5 miserable job looking
for a way to pass the time. he wants to get to know the ppl hes gving
all these pills to. hes being a good person. hes being a person i want
to be. i dont want to clock in and out without knowing the ppl im
surrounding myself with day by day.
thats why im glad i chose
psychology. it drives me nuts ppl can work in a cubicle next to someone
for 30 years or some random shit number and not no one single thing
about them. i would want to know everything. but its weird in our culture to want to get to know everyone.
everyone is go go go get the coffee get to work pick up the kids get the groceries go go go theres not enough time!
but no one takes a chance to smell the roses.
get to know the guy sitting next to them.
its all about personal space and leave me alone and i fucking hate it.
yesterday i wanted to be a piece of furniture. a plant. anything to blend in and just observe.
i want to observe a single mom in a trailer park. i want to feel her troubles and misery.
i want to observe a rich and famous actress and i want to feel her every emotion.
i want to observe a truck driver and i want to feel the strain of driving all night.
i just want to latch on to anyone and feel the way they live.
it blows my mind that there will only be one nick williamson. one.
one nick williamson that i fell in love with.
one. when he dies, there will never be another one like him.
he will be forgotten.
i will be forgotten. we all will be.
why are we sitting in one place, never visiting a different store? a new restaurant?
cause were comfortable with what we have. were content with our life.
were blocking off the endless possibilities. were not living
we are ignoring life.
everything around us.
when i drive i usually blast music. i let the music control my mind.
and i look far out into the middle of the road to keep myself going straight.
and i usually speed a little to get where i want to go, faster.
and if im riding with others, im usually wrapped up in conversation.
i dont even know the roads names.
the son shoveling the snow and staring into my windshield.
the dog thats left out in the cold for all hours, howling, in his backyard. probably cold and hungry.
i dont notice my own thoughts.
i dont notice the way the snow sits on the trees.
little things you can notice with driving.
i was focused.
believe me. it was like driving on adderall.
and i was more concerned for every other person on the road other than myself.
i was speeding up for those who were tailgating me.
i was slowing down to pace myself with the 95 yr old who shouldnt be driving.
i was letting everyone go before me.
i was waving ppl on.
i was doing all of this. thinking of everyones lives that im passing.
when i turned back into my neighborhood i noticed my ankle was sore from not moving
my eyes were watering from not blinking
and my thumbs were sore from gripping the steering wheel so hard.
it doesnt matter what anyone does. what anyone is saying. what anyone is watching.
im happy on shrooms.
i feel weird. i feel sick. i feel like im falling. i feel like i could live 403 more years without drinking water or eating.
wahts hunger? idk. but why did i ever eat food? the taste? who cares about taste.
what movie do you wanna watch>? ill literally be happy with watching anything cause i just want to observe every humna life.
its weird to think we are just a different species. we are an animal.
yet, we have cars. houses. neighborhoods. citites. ghettos. 9-5 jobs. colleges, white picket fences.
marriages. cell phones. tvs to watch other ppl's lives.
we are our own gods.
its crazy.
life is weird once you start thinking about it.
im weird. and nick told me i shouldnt do shrooms if this is what im thinking about.
hes never heard of such a thing.
of someone thinking so much their brain starts to hurt.
i told him thats why i dont do other drugs. i have some mental illnesses i think
some psychological problems that are buried i think
and shrooms makes me go just a little crazy, but im so fucking happy on them
im a little paranoid, a little sick feeling, and a little anxious
but its always worth it.
id never do acid.
ecstasy.
nothing.
shrooms are my peak.
i took them once cause they are natural. i dont give a SHIT what nick says
or anyone says for that matter.
but any other drugs- ecstasy... cocaine, heroine, pcp, meth. its all manmade.
its not natural.
it didnt grow from the earth.
you had to mix shit.
you had to measure.
its NOT fucking natural!
shrooms and weed... are.
so i tried them once and they blew my mind.
i did it again and it kind of fucked with me a little.
i did them a third time and remembered how great the first time was.
i did them this time and i fell right back into that shroom- mind reading- mind set.
and i like it.
judge me.
idc.
im over ppl judging me.
im living my life. im taking it all in.
im not taking it for granted.
i cant wait for festivals this year. cant waiiiiit.
what have i been doing with my life? i need to get out there.
i need to meet more ppl.
i need to learn more about other beings.
i need to be taught different ways
i need to learn
theres so much to do.
i just wish it wasnt winter
when i finally reached my epiphany.
im over all my grudges. my mind is totally open. i love everyone again.
whatever differences we once had are over. lifes too short.
i cant play mad at someone who could drop dead tomorrow, in the next minute. anytime.
im done with that.
im done with acting like the human being that every one else wants me to be.
thats not normal.
being different
being weird- is normal.
its living your life.
now i finally understand.
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